At approximately 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks and some other interval Callie had and will have periods where she cries and fusses and sleeps and eats more than normal and the end result of her pain is that she is bigger and stronger than she was before.
Our Christian faith is often compared to a child's growth, starting with being "born again" in the Spirit, to learning to walk as we grow more. I am in a growth spurt in my faith. I have known this since August. I left camp with the distinct feeling that God was set to teach me a lot. Oh boy has He, and He's showing no sign of stopping.
Earlier I had a conversation with a friend that set an odd, sad, terror in my heart that at the same time it was growing, something stronger than me was countering with a list of mercies I saw in this situation that scares me so much. That is a confusing mess, to deal with.
I went running.
Running, people. I don't run.
I then called another friend who has been a fantastic person to call and dump my confusion on. She takes it and gives me encouragement and bible verses in return, not her own speculation or advice.
This is so overwhelming and I am so painfully aware that no conversation with any person, no quick remedy like running or painting will help. The only thing that shines any light is the Holy Spirit inside me.
And here is what the Holy Spirit is doing right now - the song on the radio was a second ago one that said simply, "I'm alive - Thank you" and now there is a song called "Carry Me". God has a ridiculously mercy filled sense of humor.
"Carry Me" by Josh Wilson
I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don't let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You're still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
Carry me
God carry me
Carry me
God carry me
I'm at the end of myself
I know I've got nothing left
Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I've been down here so long
I just can't find my way out
Oh God I don't stand a chance
Unless You carry me now
God carry me now
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
Carry me now
Carry me now
Carry me now
Carry me now
I can not tell you how apt this is to my life. This new shadow of mine called fear or anxiety is not welcome, but it is also ridiculously strong. In my growth spurt I have so often encountered feelings and emotion that I do not have the strength to understand or comprehend. This prayer is my life. Everything in my life is disappearing into a utter dependence on God - and that is the opposite of scary.
In all the painful mess that is my insides as of late I have found a strong freedom, because I know that there is not one thing that happens in my life that does not go through God. I know that there is not one source of pain that He is struggling to figure out. I know that there is no action that any person does that will destroy me, because I am not built on my own ability. I am not built on the ability or affirmation of others. I am built on the unshakeable power of an awesome, omnipotent, God. So no matter how much I fall apart I am held together by something so much bigger than me and He never fails.
There are no words sufficient enough for this knowledge or life.
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