It is Well With My Soul

Peace.

The feeling has escaped me for days. I have cried for it, yearned for it, fought for it, but peace is not something forced. It is not something that comes as a result of a formula. Peace is a gift.

Peace in my life is an indication that I am where God wants me to be. Unrest is always a sign that God wants to get my attention. To pray for something, to do something, to say something. I have been floundering with this since Saturday.

I have had no real explanation, other than, I am out of sorts. I have cried, had out loud arguments with God, talked with friends, spent time extensive time just sitting quietly before God asking for even the words to pray, and listened to more praise music than in the past month combined.

And tonight, I was given peace. I was dubious at what I thought He was asking, but it popped in my head and I forced myself forward in trust, inspired by the increased peace the closer I got to actually submitting the action. I am no closer to knowing what God is working on in my life, but I have a peace that surpasses all understanding, that means I have done what He asked for now, and I am ready to wait on Him.

When I look at the past few days, I want to call God crazy. I mean, it seems senseless. It seems pointless, and wearisome and confusing. But if I believe God is sovereign, then I believe He is working it for my good, and for His glory. So the really, the part I want to call crazy is the part where God worked things differently than I would have. So I am essentially wanting to call God crazy for not going with my plan.

God, is God. God is "I Am". I don't even have a concept of the idea behind the word "crazy" without Him giving me the ability to think. Why in all my days would I assume God was the crazy one in my life. He only gets the "crazy" label because I don't understand Him. But if I understood Him, then He wouldn't be God.

So I am officially and permanently taking over the "crazy" post in our relationship Jesus. You handle the sensible, and no matter what, or how odd Your ways seem, I'll remain the real crazy one. And when nothing else breaks through I will remember that, "after all, You are Holy."

"I Am A Freaking Beanstalk"

If you are a parent reading this - then what I am about to say is old news, but for those of us without offspring - did you know that babies have literal growth spurts? I had heard about growth spurts my whole life, but not until my niece came did I realize that it was actually a concentrated growth time. When she was here over Christmas we watched her grow half an inch in a day. It was incredible.

At approximately 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks and some other interval Callie had and will have periods where she cries and fusses and sleeps and eats more than normal and the end result of her pain is that she is bigger and stronger than she was before.

Our Christian faith is often compared to a child's growth, starting with being "born again" in the Spirit, to learning to walk as we grow more. I am in a growth spurt in my faith. I have known this since August. I left camp with the distinct feeling that God was set to teach me a lot. Oh boy has He, and He's showing no sign of stopping. 

Earlier I had a conversation with a friend that set an odd, sad, terror in my heart that at the same time it was growing, something stronger than me was countering with a list of mercies I saw in this situation that scares me so much. That is a confusing mess, to deal with. 

I went running. 

Running, people. I don't run.

I then called another friend who has been a fantastic person to call and dump my confusion on. She takes it and gives me encouragement and bible verses in return, not her own speculation or advice. 

This is so overwhelming and I am so painfully aware that no conversation with any person, no quick remedy like running or painting will help. The only thing that shines any light is the Holy Spirit inside me. 

And here is what the Holy Spirit is doing right now - the song on the radio was a second ago one that said simply, "I'm alive - Thank you" and now there is a song called "Carry Me". God has a ridiculously mercy filled sense of humor. 

"Carry Me" by Josh Wilson

I try to catch my breath

It hasn't happened yet

I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death

So I prayed God, would You make this stop

Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got

Carry me, carry me, carry me now

From my sinking sand to Your solid ground

The only way I'm ever gonna make it out

Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now

God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Jesus calm my heart

Come near me please

Lord don't let these worries get the best of me

Oh I believe, that You're still here with me

Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave

Carry me, carry me, carry me now

From my sinking sand to Your solid ground

The only way I'm ever gonna make it out

Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now

God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Carry me

God carry me

Carry me

God carry me

I'm at the end of myself

I know I've got nothing left

Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death

And I've been down here so long

I just can't find my way out

Oh God I don't stand a chance

Unless You carry me now

God carry me now

Carry me, carry me, carry me now

From my sinking sand to Your solid ground

The only way I'm ever gonna make it out

Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now

God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Carry me now

Carry me now

Carry me now

Carry me now

I can not tell you how apt this is to my life. This new shadow of mine called fear or anxiety is not welcome, but it is also ridiculously strong. In my growth spurt I have so often encountered feelings and emotion that I do not have the strength to understand or comprehend. This prayer is my life. Everything in my life is disappearing into a utter dependence on God - and that is the opposite of scary.

In all the painful mess that is my insides as of late I have found a strong freedom, because I know that there is not one thing that happens in my life that does not go through God. I know that there is not one source of pain that He is struggling to figure out. I know that there is no action that any person does that will destroy me, because I am not built on my own ability. I am not built on the ability or affirmation of others. I am built on the unshakeable power of an awesome, omnipotent, God. So no matter how much I fall apart I am held together by something so much bigger than me and He never fails.

There are no words sufficient enough for this knowledge or life. 

What?

In keeping with our anti-theme, this picture has no real ties to
this post, but it always makes me smile.

What do you do when you have writers block? Do I even have writers block? What is the opposite of that? When too many ideas are in your head that you pick one to come out so they just sit there and accumulate until you still don't know what to write?

Do you write about the rain that has fallen steadily for four days? And how everywhere you go, the creeks have turned into fast and powerful rivers, and fields have turned into beautiful still pools, reflecting the gray sky above?

Do you write about your parents? And how hard they make you laugh with their goofy looks and exaggerated conversation? Or how much you appreciate the lengths they go to, to make you laugh and feel loved?

Do you write about how you have also had a growing appreciation for facebook and the advances that allow you to keep up, invest in, catch up with so many people? And how so many conversations have encouraged you, or put a smile on your face?

Do you talk about the weird dent in my life I feel sometimes that has to be made out of elastic because it always bounces back out? Do I talk about how I missed laughter today - and the people who live far away that keep laughing so hard?

Do I talk about the three journals lying on my bed that have helped soothe my mind, and simultaneously inspire more writing? Do I talk about all God has been teaching me through those? Do I list off things like, trust, prayer, perseverance, trust, Godly love, trust, prayer and letting the Holy Spirit have plenty of room in my life?

Do I talk about my guitar, and how it can't hold a tune since the neck broke, but I still have it out to learn to play it anyway, because I want to be able to bring music wherever I go?

Do I talk about how tired I am, but how full my day was that started 15 hours ago?

Do I talk about how insanely excited and blessed I am to be leaving tomorrow to go on a "tour de Georgia" stopping in Dahlonega, Lawrenceville, Dowtown ATL, Kennesaw, and beyond? Do I talk about what is really exciting is not the places I will see, but the people? Do I mention how full of love and hope I am for my camp sisters that I will be with?

Do I talk about how overwhelming thankful I am that my car's only problem was a loose sway bar and some unbalanced tires? And that the bill was less than a $30?

Do I go on to how much I love my town? With the honest, friendly mechanics? The librarians who take the time to know, not just your name, but care about your life? The signs declaring "We'll Keep Our Guns" that are posted in front of the sign welcoming travelers to town? That the front page news was on the demise of "Car-truck", a beloved parade feature for ten years?

Or do I tick off a bunch of past English professors and write a post that is nothing but questions?

Hey, what would you do in a situation like this?

Phoenix

This is a throwback piece that I wrote in 2009. It re-encouraged me tonight and thought I'd share. 

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me to preach the good news to the poor. He has send me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of the vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion --to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair." -Isaiah 61:1-3a

I thought of this the other day as I was texting one of my friends about something going on his life. I think I thought I was preaching to him, but that didn't work out, I ended up preaching to myself and crying on the way to school because of that realization.

A phoenix is somewhat of a legendary type bird. It essentially dies by exploding on itself and turning into a pile of ashes, but eveytime it does that it comes back more beautiful than before. In the passage above, we're called to give our pain and hurt, our ashes, to God and He will in return offer us beauty. Sounds like a great deal right? Well it is, the problem comes with us actually giving it up.

It is my current hypothesis that when people we love hurt us, and I have been hurt very badly by someone I love dearly so this is firsthand, it is hard to hold all that hurt. It keeps you up at night, it makes you sob tears you didn't know you had left and hold conversastions with people who aren't there, and write letters you will never send, but even with all this, it's harder to give it up, to forgive. I think that we don't want to give it up or forgive because even though it is painful all that hurt is sometimes the only connection we have to that person. If we give it up, its out of our hands. We can't do anything to create beauty there, God has to, and that's flipping scary.

I honestly am not sure I have the strength in me to give up hurt, to give up my painful connection to someone I still love so much and always will, but if I don't give it up, there will never be beauty. I can't wait for humans to change, because we are stubborn hypocritical beasts, God has to do it. But it is so mind boggling-ly hard. Why can't God just give us the beauty and then we can give up the hurt? The answer is simple, faith. We are called to live by faith, to trust God, so why don't we?

I want to be free from hurt, but not my connection to that person. I want the beauty without the faith. But it won' t come so I have to work on the faith of giving up the hurt and taking the beauty afterward, because it takes faith to fly like the phoenix, more beautiful than ever before.

experience |ikˈspi(ə)rēəns| : v : encounter or undergo

I love to write (in case you thought that this blog was some infinite twisted school assignment - its voluntary). I currently hold a Bachelors of Arts in English, which means that writing is something that I have studied more than the average person. One of the classic mantras of writing is to write what you know. If you want to write a book about living homeless in inner city Atlanta, get in there and live it, whether its spending time volunteering in a shelter or even living as a homeless person. If you want to write about the Civil War, you had better hit the library for articles, journals, books, and paraphernalia written about and by the people who lived in that time.



Experience. You have to experience what you want to write, if you want it to be any good.

I also love to paint and sketch. My painting has improved vastly over the past few years, not because I have taken more art classes (not since I was 14), but because I taken the time to see more. I picked up on how to paint the moon by sitting in my driveway and staring at it.

 Experience, I can not paint what I have not painted or experienced.

Recently I have been doing a lot of learning and experiencing in life. I have little concrete evidence, but it is something that I know inside myself. I know that I am better equipped to handle change, I know I am better equipped to live independently, I know that I am better equipped to handle my own heart and it's sneaky, roller coaster ways.

Experience. You can not conquer what you have not faced.

When I was younger my father walked with me through a youth edition of Henry Blackaby's "Experiencing God". I remember nothing beyond the concept of the title. You can not know truly God, without experiencing God. Here's the thing about that though, God is everywhere, but you can go through life choosing not to experience Him. I have lived both ways, and one is infinitely better.

When I spend time noting the way a person moves, how their voice sounds, or how the world reflects in their features, I see God. When I sit on the cool driveway at 11:30pm and watch the moon rise through the trees, I see God. When I feel tormented by emotion that I can not possibly understand, I scream for God.

This past year, its changes, its opportunities, its people, I think of how thankful I am to have experienced God in it. I look back on the year and yearn for more.

I want to write more, because He uses the words to help me appreciate. I want to paint more because He uses the strokes to help me see. I want to invest more because He uses the people and challenges to enrich my ability to understand and to love. And more so I want to pray more, sing more, read more, learn more - to not just experience life more, but to intentionally experience more God.

There was some darker moments in the last half of this year, and God let me have my 3 or 4 months to flail, to wonder, to cry, to churn, to stop and get my feet under me, or rather to plant my feet on Him. God took my wobbling, balled up existence and stabilized me, but now He's pushing me to stand.

I have been studying Job, and I was so blessed by it, but recently the back and forth of the tormented Job and his friends had worn on me and I hadn't picked it up for a few weeks, or even the Bible really because I didn't know what to study otherwise. I was ready to move on to something else, and not finish Job for the second or third time in my life, but I couldn't figure out what to move on to, so God told me to finish Job, even if I wasn't "feeling it" as much as when I started it, so I picked it up.

Job 30 and 31 were the end of Job's rant, I pushed through them, reading, but not absorbing. I went to do the same with chapter 32, but had to stop. In chapter 32 a new character is introduced, Elihu. Elihu essentially interrupts and says, "I know I'm young, but wisdom comes from God, not from old age, so I'm going to speak anyway and here it is: God is still bigger than all you."

There is way more to Elihu's chapters, but that first part just struck me. How cool is it that God would push me to finally read these chapters I never had before. That I would be weary of the long conversation in the previous chapters, the way I was growing weary with the introspective nature of the ending chapter of my year. God has spent the last few weeks, slowly pushing me out.

I am still fragile, I am still overwhelmed, and I am still enormously weak, but God is inside me. His Spirit runs through me, and roots my feet into the ground. No matter how battered I feel, my foundation is strong, because of God, because I have, am, and long to continuing experiencing God, no matter what.

New Past, New Present, New Year

New Past

At the end of 2011, I rolled my eyes at Jennie McCarthy's sophomoric antics and watched a ball "drop" over a crowd of screaming, kissing, jumping and waving people. I toasted my family with sparkling grape juice, and most likely went to bed.

As I went to bed, I didn't know that in the coming year I would become an aunt for the first time.

I didn't know that in my fifth summer at Strong Rock I would become the Girls Head Counselor.

I didn't know that I would move home to live with my parents.

I didn't know that I would grow so many encouraging relationships in those last few months at Greensboro.

I didn't know that I would be working 3 part time jobs to pay off school.

I didn't know that I would meet the likes of Laura, Jenna, Laura Lee, Brandon, Bryant, Tyler, Trey, Ethan, James, Dustin, Mallory, Hayden, Amy at Strong Rock this summer.

I didn't know that I would travel to Chicago and Denver.

I didn't know that I would fall so much more in love with my family.

I didn't know how much heart that would grow from the youth and children in my church. 

I didn't know how already established relationships with family and friends would grow and change and teach me.

I didn't know how fiercely God would wrestle my heart.

I didn't know how much more I could love, ache, miss and feel. 

I didn't know how little I actually knew.

I didn't know all that has become my New Past.

New Present

Last night, at the end of 2012, I laughed, danced, played drawing games, trivia games, introduced my parents to Chuck, toasted every hour with sparkling grape juice, ate an ice cream Sunday, rolled my eyes at Jennie McCarthy's antics, watched more Chuck with my sister, got distracted looking back at camp photos and videos and went to bed at 3am.

I woke up four hours later to bid goodbye to my sister and brother-in-law, at a cinnamon roll and went back to sleep till 12:30.

I am currently one month into paying off my school loan.

I am almost (as soon as I mail it back) under contract to return to Strong Rock Camp for my sixth year, and second year as the Girl's Head Counselor.

I live at home with my parents.

My heart will hardly allow me a moment's rest, but God will also (mercifully) not leave me alone.

I feel closer than ever to my brothers and sisters.

I am listening to Amos Lee.

I am way farther along to healthy mind, body, and Spirit than probably ever before.

I can not fathom how blessed I am by the events of 2012.

New Year

I am on contract to work my three jobs through May.

I am on contract at camp from May till the end of July.

I have no earthly clue what happens starting in my life starting in August.

I am on track to obliterate my loan by the summer.

I am hoping to continue eating healthier, exercising more, spending more intentional time with Jesus, and learning how better to handle life as a non-child.

I am looking forward to learning what I do not know.

I am excited to meet every single new face and new life that will shape my concepts of life and relationships.

I am hoping in falling more in love with my God.

I am planning to enjoy watching my family grow and change.

I am slightly terrified of the unknown blob that is my future.

I am ecstatic to see the unknown blob that is my future take shape.

I am ridiculously blessed by each breath that becomes past.

I am honored by each heartbeat that is my present.

I am filled with hope and growing faith for everything ahead that is my future.