Emotional Purpose

A little applicable music

I just sent a text message to a friend who I am in the process of, I guess you'd call it pranking. The message, written in reply to his repeated asking for me to reveal what was going on, read, in essence, "I'd rather tell you what's going on, but it will be more fun for you if I don't. Personally I wish the frustrating part was over."

Then it struck me what a weird parallel that was to my life, right now.

It has become increasingly apparent to me that I may have some unsettled issues. Most of them revolving around my inability to accept, process or all together deal with emotion. I have uncontrollably sobbed more in these past few months than most of life combined. I have been coming to terms with the fact that I have emotion. This may sound odd, but let me explain.

When I was younger I was overly emotional and people used to tell me how sensitive I was. I hated it, and I was happy when I grew up and seemed to have less emotion to deal with, but now it appears that I had the same amount of emotion, it has just been perpetually stuffed. I grew up unconsciously training myself to simply not abide crazy feelings. I have heard often that emotion should not rule us, no one told me that that did not mean that it has no place in my existence, because that is how I have been living.

God has spent the past three months slowly revealing my inabilities as twelve or so years of unattended emotion has been coming to the surface, often at terribly inconvenient times.  I have learned to brush my teeth, get dressed, drive, eat, dance, and all around live while copious amounts of water run down my face and my breath gets stopped halfway up and sent back before it is released. He is graciously working with me on it, but the reality is, no matter how good the results may be, the process hurts.

I know that God is working this for the good. I could not handle adulthood, future marriage and parenting, or even ministry, with so little ability to accept or process my own emotion, let alone all the people's around me.  I know that God is teaching me, because I've already seen it. I also know that it will take me a while a to learn, because that is the only way it will stick with me.

The text message I wrote struck a chord because it seems as if God has spoken a paraphrase of that text message to me countless times, as I curl in a ball and feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces; instead of dealing with pranks and frustration like the one I sent, God's message sounds more like, "I know this hurts, but it will better if you go through it. I wish it could be over."

I know this because in the midst of it all, I have peace at the core of my soul. I know I am where I am supposed to be. I know that God is compassionately walking with me through the fire, so I can emerge on the side, stronger in my faith and ability to serve. Furthermore, I have the gift of a physical representation of God's love in my parents, who will sit and listen, and pray and hug, and make dinner when I am doubled over in the kitchen because, for some reason I cannot explain, the decision between burrito and quesadilla inspires tears.

So when I feel an inexplicable wave of emotion, I will first tell myself to accept it. And when I am not sure how to deal with it, I will pray and ask God. And when I am not sure how to pray, I will just lay it out before Him and wait. And while I wait, I will be thankful for the life that He has given me and His willingness to teach me.

(See coinciding post here)

"Keep the earth below my feet/ from my sweat my blood runs weak/

let me learn from where I have been/ 

Keep my eyes to serve/ my hands to learn."