Driving for All Eternity

There's something weird about driving long distances. Spending hours in the car, in the same seat. Something strange starts to happen to you.

It's subtle at first. You work into it starting with that early morning alarm, the quick mental pep talk that tells you that the exciting things you have going today ate worth getting up hours before the sun.

Then you make it to the next town over and marvel at how that jaunt seemed like the blink of an eye. Then, if you ate fortunate enough not to be driving you have the luxury of getting to re enter a sleep like state, although arguably, you never left one, even as you packed up. By the time you make that first stop for gas and coffee, you are all hyped at how fast the trip is going.

This next leg is critical to the shift from normal to strange. In this next part of the trip you and your car mates fall into the "rhythm"  of the trip. By natural course you discover who sits closest to the best snacks, and who is most willing to divvy them out. You develop a balance for those who sleep, want to listen to music, want to listen to books on tape.

And then you look at the clock and realize you've been in this pattern for twelve hours. You try to think back to the morning and realize any life outside of this van has become hazy. You sit and say to yourself, don't be dramatic, you lived a normal life yesterday, you....well what did you do? All you can see is the passing of landscape. All you hear are the ramblings of the deep throated radio story teller. Surely you ran those errands last week....because there's no way you had any sort of normalcy as short a time as 24 hours ago.

You sit and try to imagine eating something other than the snack food so carefully packed and more messily strewn between the front bucket seats. Is there every anything other than pretzels to satisfy cravings? And when was the last time you used a plate? Silverware?

The stale air of the vehicle, that no matter what you tell the air conditioning to do, always carries with it a faint trail of stagnancy. That ever so slight headache, the thirst that is always a little less than quenched, because who knows when you'll stop next. The feeling that any moment an extended look down ward, or a bump in the road and that morning car sickness will return with a vengeance. All these things persist with such dependence that they become your strongest enemy in perpetuating the lie that this back seat is the only life you've really known and everything else is merely an Inception-esque dream.

You try to remind yourself of where you are going. Of the people or places that inspired you to undergo such a trek in the first place, but at this point the tired pulse that makes your eye balls feel like they are twice the size they should be only lets you see the part of the trip when you have to say goodbye and do this trip all over again. But that's okay because at this point if someone told you that you had driven this far for one meal, it would seem worth it because it would be something different than this.
This speckled gray mini van upholstery.

These ever present brake lights that seem to be on an extreme counter offensive mission to delay these hours even more.

The final stage is the one that saves you from swearing off these trips ever again. Its the moment, when at long last, you pull into the parking lot. You climb over the previously organized piles that have now become Everest like mountains and your feet hit terra firma. Suddenly blood makes it to your feet for what feels like the first time. You realize that your back had retained the ability to fully extend, and that the air does move. Then you look towards the faces approaching. The ones you've driven eternity to visit.

You sit together and eat real food on real dishes. You laugh. You look at your travel mates and suddenly only remember the laughter. You remember fondly all the stops, the brake lights, the new routes, because it was "all part of the experience". You marvel with each other that the drive "really wasn't all that bad". You laugh when you calculate that you've been in the car for fifteen hours, as if you can't imagine a better way to spend a day. Your memory returns, and the gift of being able to recall yesterday provides stories that take far later into the night than any one planned because you're, "really not that tired".

You spend your trip shoving away the thought that the warm fuzzy feeling about your road trip is a hoax and through yourself into the people around you. Because that is what is really true. The thoughts that fight each other as you drive....that make you doubt your ability to make good choices...those are lies, because the truth you know deep down is that it would be worth it. To drive 30 hours for one day with these people. To be together. To celebrate the lives we've been given.

Thank you so much for reading this blog, posted from my phone, written on the car in the 15th hour. And special congratulations to my sister Lydia, who's graduation from her Master's program we are gathering to celebrate. If you wanna know more about our road trip, find us on twitter @graymeetsworld.

(please ignore any spelling our formatting errors, like I said, this was sent from my phone).

Hope in Exile

This past weekend I spent about 48 hours in Cleveland GA with the directors and fellow summer staff leaders prepping for the coming months at Strong Rock Camp. 

The man himself, in parent 
approved swag.

There will be a coming post about my heart going into this summer, but since it has been a long time since I have written on this blog, I always feel I need to work back into it slowly. So instead this post features my second ever guest writer (read the first here - she was five).

This piece was not written for a blog. It was written by an awesome member of the summer staff leadership team from last summer, Taylor Wade.

What is cool about Taylor and camp is how clearly God placed him there, because Tay will tell you, he didn't really ever plan on working at Strong Rock.

 In 2011, he had applied to camp but backed out because he wasn't sure how his training schedule for the National Guard would mesh with camp. But when during staff week we had one of our male staff drop out unexpectedly we called up and he came, halfway into training. He spent the first half of the summer in the kitchen and when our numbers required the opening of another boy's cabin he spent the rest of the summer as a counselor. 

A little more realistic.

He thought that that was it for he and camp, but last year when we found ourself lacking a Boy's Head Counselor, he stepped in and filled the roll. He didn't have the most experience, but what he did have was Christ, and the person that God has made him. 

Taylor will tell you modestly how the summer went. He will give credit to other people and say that they are the reason that he found success. What he won't tell you is how blown away we all were by his ability to lead and encourage. He won't tell you how many times he kept me from going crazy. He won't tell you how he made every staffer feel wanted and loved. He won't tell you how his humor lightened the weary days, or how his enthusiasm for Christ encouraged others to pursue Him further. 

This letter is one he sent out halfway through the summer. It's fun because when he passed it out to the staff, I don't think I took much time to really read it, but since it came home from camp with me, it has popped up, every few months in random places like an old purse, or a forgotten stack on my desk, and it finds a way to encourage my socks off every time. I asked him if I could post it here, and he told me that the way he saw it, he gave it to us so we could do whatever we well pleased with it. 

I am posting it now as we go into the coming summer, because truth is timeless. I post it for my fellow staff and I post it for those who are not in camp. Because every one will at some point feel forsaken. Everyone at some point will be annoyed by someone, somewhere, and in that moment, this message becomes applicable. 

Strong Rock Staff,

After Rookie’s testimony on Sunday morning, I started thinking about one of the verses he shared. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you future and a hope.” This verse is quoted so much so that, for me at least, it has lost it’s power and meaning. It had become one of those cliché bible verses from Awana they made you memorize. After hearing the verse again on Sunday, something about it had just struck me. I went to read the verse in context of the overall story of Israel and their captivity. After a certain point, I decided to write this and share what all the Holy Spirit was speaking to me.

Jeremiah 29:4-9 says, “Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them’ plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. For thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: Do not let your prophets and your diviners who are among you deceive you, and do not listen to the dreams that they dream, for it is a lie that they are prophesying to you in my name’ I did not send them, declares the Lord.” 

This section seems unimportant and kind of odds at first. But earlier in Jeremiah, the prophet intentionally refrains from marriage and bearing children. This action portrays Israel’s potential future. Obviously, whenever a nation ceases to marry and bear children, they will become extinct. The above section tells of future captivity, but provides hope that God will not allow His people to become extinct even though this trying time (70 years, in their case). Even amidst the turmoil and anguish, there is hope. 

Jeremiah goes on to speak in verses 10-14, saying “For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.”  

God lets His people know that despite their time of captivity, there will be an end to it. The trials will come to pass. Even when it seems as though God has forgotten His people, He still has plans for them. And they are plans to give us all a future and a hope of what is to come. Furthermore, the God of the universe is willing to listen to His people, His creation . When we genuinely seek God - to hear what He wants tot tell us, to seek His council and comfort, and to rebuild that relationship we’ve partially destroyed through sin- our God willing listens. Finally, God says he will “bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” This is more than a geographical relocation to a homeland. This includes a restoration of life in every possible way. 

I understand that some of these kids can grate on our nerves. I understand that some of these classes we teach aren’t our favorites. And I understand that some we won’t always have the best attitude for whatever reason. But think about how much God has blessed us just by being here. We have phenomenal leadership at every level of camp, even down to some campers. We are surrounded by some of God’s most beautiful creation on a daily basis! We are surrounded by friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, for those days that just don’t seem to go right. We aren’t in any kind of exile here. And yet God still has plans for us to restore us to a life of total and complete fulfillment. 

This verse also applies to the campers. Like I said, I understand that some campers just push out buttons on a daily basis. But we aren’t here to babysit. We have all been brought in here to accomplish a single goal. To impact kids’ lives for the kingdom of God. I guarantee you some of these campers are in their own kind of exile as you read this. And they need to know what God has promised them. Please, remember why you are here. Be encouraging. Have fun. Show these campers how good God has been to us just by allowing us to live another day. And use that day to influence theses campers.

I love all of y’all,

Taylor Wade

I am so grateful that God has seen fit to bless our camp, and my life with a fantastic person such as Taylor Andrew Wade. He is also a writer (clearly) but mostly sticks to publishing humor. Check out his newly created humor blog here! 

Sneaking In

My front porch in the evening

As I sit on the counter and look over the living room, I smile.

Outside the window, the little green shoots pushing out of the end of the branches are creating a delightful fuzzy halo on the trees outside.

There is a warm earthy scent creeping in from my Mom's open window and trailing behind everyone who comes in the door. It's permeating the air, rising up from the ground as the sun warms into soil, rousing the stiff ache of winter.

The way the sun drifts through the front windows as it lazily drops behind the mountains off the front porch, making the halo on the trees glow.

I sit and soak it in. Deep inside me something is stirring. The feeling that I am nearing the time to chuck my hectic and changing schedule out the window. A time is coming for me to dive into the most draining, sleepless, and exciting vacation I've ever loved. The only summers I really distinctly remember, because every moment is so incredibly worth it.

Summer.

I'm waiting in peace, through these last few weeks of hectic-ness. I am diving head-on into my last moments juggling three jobs and soaking in every conversation, every experience, every laugh, every story, every annoyance, every wrench in the plan. But, always in the back of my  head, I am here, sitting on this counter, in perfect contentment. 

I am sitting and waiting for the brilliant wave of long days, short nights, laughter, tears, sweltering sun and magnificent stars.

I am sitting and waiting for the earth shaking weight of God's glory, revealed in every way, from the small moments to grand landscapes.

I am sitting and waiting for the drenching downpour of love that leaves my heart so full and heavy, that I wonder how I retain the ability to move, let alone express even a fraction of it.

I am sitting and waiting on God...for His next move.

I am sitting and thankful that the next move looks like camp.

A Thousand Words

This weekend was my camp's biggest retreat group, 200+. I lost my voice.

I could write a lot about the weekend, but it seems more fitting to withhold. So instead, I am offering up a photo blog about the weekend.

Day one, setting up 28 tables in the dining hall.

Sunset after work

DQ at the end of the day. 

Owen

Then on Saturday...this girl came to help....

...And did some ninja training.

DQ, second night.

Voiceless and sent to work in the kitchen with these kids!

The faces of Ben Helton

Sunrise, Sunday morning.

End of retreat. They're perky.

Dinner post-retreat.

They were laughing at my word mix-up.

Movies, with the Brannons.

Home again. This is my front porch.

"It's The Sound of the Dawn Breaking"

The title from the song, "Hope" by Kristine DeMarco (sorry, best video I could find).

Many people have written many things about Easter. There are classic phrases, like “He is risen, He is risen indeed” that we will throw around. There are songs that we’ll hear every year, like “Were You There?”. 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with these things as a general rule, I don’t like that they make me numb. I grew up hearing the story, seeing the somber look that pastors get when they read those chapters of the gospels. Seeing the fabric draped crosses, hearing over and over about the suffering, and the joy (again, not wrong on it's own, actually pretty good, unless you become numb, as I have and seen many others) This year, we've added the memes on facebook of stylized image of Jesus, and the cross, with phrases and verses. 

I see the memes and I roll my eyes.* 

How can we take it down to a meme? It’s the same format used to make fun of Justin Bieber and populate the Ryan Gosling, “Hey Girl” movement. 

Every moment I live in a battle. I battle my self. I battle the god of the age. I do my best to rally my failed flesh and do my best to return punches. I do my best to pick up the sword and attack the day. 

Still I fail. 

Still I lie in a broken heap, hiding. 

Still I stand frozen while the blood runs down my face. 

I know that I can not win. I know that no matter how hard I fight, no matter how much good I do, I will still fail. I will still have darkness inside me that needs to be shoved into light. 

God created a perfect earth. He created humans so they could be close to Him. But Satan came in with a lie, and in one decision on the part of humans, a decision repeated every second of every day, Satan gleefully helped us create a chasm between ourselves and God, one of sin and darkness. The separation between God and us left us helpless and hopeless to ever get back to Him on our own. God can not remain God and let something as dirty as us know Him. His line is singular and immovable. There is no small sin He lets slide. There is nothing we can do, to bridge that separation.

Easter is regarded as the time when we remember Christ coming to save the world. It is a weekend where people show up in church for the first time all year and sing sentimental hymns and stand  looking properly somber on Friday and properly joyful on Sunday. But Easter is not just a weekend event. Easter is not contained. It can’t be. Christ didn’t just die on a weekend in April and leave us to "remember" the anniversary once a year. Every day that I get up with hope, I am celebrating Easter, because 2,000 years ago my separation ended, my inevitable death was destroyed and the god of the age lost all power.

Every day, every moment, I have options, I have hope, because Christ defeated death and offered me adoption into His family. When I fail, He doesn’t kick me out. When I lie in a broken heap, He picks me up. When I stand frozen, He wipes the blood out of my eyes and spurs me forward. He does this because not only has He faced all the darkness I face, He beat the crap out of it and then destroyed it.

People who hold on to their darkness run from Him in fear. When I live in His grace and adoption, my darkness is brought to light. When Christ's light shines, I believe Satan screams in frustration that he has lost so epically. 

Every day when I get up to fight, I am thankful. I am thankful not just that I am on the team that wins, I am thankful that I get to fight, to feel personally defeated and see Jesus win anyway. If Jesus' victory had also taken everything hard, like feelings of failure and loss, I don’t think I would be able to fully know the victory. 

Salvation. The moment when you realize you face the dark legion all alone. As they descend and encircle you, all you see is the clash of steel, all you hear are anguished cries, and your heart is racing so hard you can’t catch a breath. You suffer their blades carving out pieces of your self, and feel dizzy from their blows. Your own blood, is being coughed from your lungs and runs down your face. You know “I’m dead” and then decide to cry out for Life.

The moment when you feel the strength of the Spirit overtake your weary body and you catch your first glimpse of clear blue sky. As your old weary self dies, and Christ’s blood washes down making you new, the demons of your past fall away screaming at the Light overtaking you, and you  begin to see the view. You see the great grandeur of victory. You stand, free and new, in a sea of personal death.

Those demons will creep back. You will feel overwhelmed again, you are probably not done coughing up blood, but now, you are not alone. Now you face the legion alongside not only a sea of redeemed faces, but filled and surrounded by the One who defeated death itself. You have the hope that no matter how destroyed your body gets, your soul is invincible, because you’ve given it to One who destroys death. 

Think about that. Destroys death. 

The battle is actually a gift. We are now fighting from the top of a mountain. If I had been sitting in peace on the mountain the whole time, it wouldn’t be nearly as beautiful, because even in the fray, we have hope. Because we are fighting a war that is won. 

So how in the heck do you stick something as astounding as that on a meme?*

*I mean no disrespect towards the people who post memes. They are some dear friends of mine, many of whom I know have a deeper relationship with Jesus than a meme signifies to me. God is big enough to speak through these memes, whether I like it or not. 

Dear Callie. (Otherwise known as Family Part 2)

Dear Callie,

This year was your first Christmas. We had a lot of people. A lot.

Grandma (or whatever you decide to call her) made you a stocking.







See this picture? This is your family. Your daddy's family. Grandma and Grandpa. Aunt Liz, Uncle Glenn, Aunt Lyd, Aunt Charissa, Aunt Cilla (that's me!) and Aunt Sarah. Do you see yourself over there in the corner? You did a great job learning to cope with us. It was a bit of a culture shock for you, to switch from your quiet life with just you and Momma and Daddy to being around us all.

Luckily, your entire family loves you and did our best to work with you and try not to overwhelm you.

We let you sleep a lot, and were always available to hold you.

It was so fun to watch you sit and stare. I could see your eyes, taking us all in. You looked around the room, deeply. You were searching and putting pieces together. It was so incredible to watch your anxiety melt away the more time you spent with us. You learned the surroundings, you learned our faces. You had little worry lines in your forehead that relaxed as you learned how to appreciate an entire room full of people focused on you.

We did our best to make you feel comfortable by making sure each of us let you have time to get know us personally. It was such a strain on our part to spend time holding your precious little self.

You got to meet your Great - Grandmother too.

Usually if you got real overwhelmed you'd need to back off and spend some time with Momma or Daddy.

When we weren't doing our best to help you adjust, we were teaching you by example how to have a Gray family Christmas.

Eating a lot is a must. Always a variety. Our best times were when we just spread it out on the tables. Cookies, cheese, guacamole, crackers, and that disgusting summer sausage your Aunt Lyd likes so much.

Also important is talking along with eating. We talk about everything. Classes (because five out of 8 of us are in some sort of school), telling stories about people, music recommendation, movies, struggles, joys, plans...we share. We always have. Your Momma says that it's something that overwhelmed her a lot when she came into the family. She says that none of us fully realize how close we are. I think I agree, and we just keep getting closer, because we just like being around each other.

Sometimes we did hijinks. Like trying to stuff you in a stocking.

You weren't a big fan of that.

We played games too. Like tabletop shuffleboard.

You should be proud of your Daddy. He pretty much dominated. Sometimes we unseated him. But not very often.

We also went for walks. You feel asleep.

You slept really well, and we're pretty sure you grew about an inch in one day.

Okay I exaggerate. (Something else your family is prone to do). But you did grow a lot.

Grandma, likes to read books to you and work on your development. She was very impressed with you.

We basically all believe you are a genius baby.

You've yet to prove us wrong.




Most of all, no matter what happened, we laughed. A lot.

Sometimes your aunts decide to call the ham, "Roast Beast" and make a show out of carrying it to the table as a team.

This was one of my favorite moments. When we danced together. Remember that I will always dance with you. Especially when you are feeling upset, like you were that morning. I was proud of you. We put on Lena Horne's "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" and went to town, dancing your tears away.

You really liked your Uncle Glenn. He's the only uncle you have right now, on our side. And it's so much fun to watch him with you. I have this video of him planning all the fun times you are going to have together. He says that now all you do is hang out and look at the ceiling fan, but later you'll go out and get ice cream, and "something girls like" maybe, go to the park, but for now, it's mostly all about taking naps.

We also have traditions, like watching Elf. Your Aunt Charissa loves that one. Look how happy she is. We all say that watching her watch this movie is the best part. A dozen times in and she still laughs so hard. 

This is Grandpa Bo. He's a goofball. He loved acting out for you. This is his victory dance. He did this one for us. 

Here you are sitting in Gramp's lap while he makes faces and noises. I momentarily distracted you with a camera. 

Sometimes you made the same faces.

This is the most important part. 

These two people. 

They are your parents. 

They love you so much. 

Callie Ann, I've known your daddy my whole life. I have never ever seen him so enraptured with anything. He loves you. He is captured by you. He is proud of you. He is so protective of you. You completely amaze him. 

I've known your Momma for a few years too. She has taken her penchant for learning, for teaching, and channeled it completely into you. She buys books, and reads them. She thinks about helping you adjust to noise, to things on your head. She reads about how you are developing. She researches, she talks to Grandma, but my favorite thing that your Momma does is fight for you. She will tell people to back off. She fights to know you, and then she fights to make sure you get the best that she knows. 

Above all, both of your parents fight for you Spiritually. They pray. They know, they see you as an amazing gift, and you are. To your parents, to your family, to whoever God plans for you to encounter. 

Plus, look at you. Could you be any cuter?!

Finally, because I told your Aunt Charissa I would, here is a sample of some of the things that make us laugh. Along with dancing, your Aunt Cilla likes writing. So I take notes of things people say sometimes. Here is some of the random, quirky, sarcastic and dry things your family says. Believe me, it's better in person.

(Charissa) “I love boundaries. I’m such a three year old. Boundaries are Great!” 

(Me) “You filmed? I’m proud of you!” 

(Charissa) “Thanks...there may have been 30 seconds when I forgot to open the cover” 

(Me) “Didn’t you notice it was black?” 

(Charissa)”I thought it was the sun”

(Charissa) “Sarah! What’s your guessies for your prezzies?” 

(Lydia) “Our freezer is full of oats. We’ll use them for sandbags in case of a flood.”

(Sarah)“I thought horses sleep standing up.” 

(Lydia) “They do unless it’s cold, then I think they sleep lying down because they wish they were dead.”

(Glenn - talking about their future daughter) “Basically we want her (Lydia’s) internal organs and my physique.” 

“You really like that fritto cheese dip that comes in the can?” - Me

“Yep, little can of heaven.” - Glenn

(Sarah) “Wasn’t Benjamin a disciple?”

(Pam) “No, he was joseph’s brother.” 

(Sarah) “Eh - same thing.” 

(Lydia) “I was teaching her vowel sounds durning her wiggle time. I’m all in to your child’s development.” 

(Glenn) “I don’t match tones (vocal tones)....others match their tones to me.”

(Lydia, after seeing Dad's victory dance) “That’s how dad’s gonna go. A heart attack at 92 doing that.” 

(Bo) “Alright...New Years. Callie will be gone and Glenn will be the center of attention.”

(Lydia to Glenn) “I am sorry your team lost. I want you to achieve, as I did.” 

(Charissa) “Because when nothing else cuts...you go for the blue.” - Charissa

(Me) “What...?”

(Charissa) “I’m doing a commercial for my jacket.” 

(Charissa)“Selfish!” 

(Sarah) “Who?”

(Charissa) “The rest of Andrews. They ate all the peppermint ice cream.” 

(Liz reading the subtitles that keep saying, “Soldiers speaking indistinctly”) “These soldiers need to learn to speak more distinctly.”

(Charissa)“If Mom told you she was pregnant right now, what would be your response?” 

(Bo) “I’d change my name to Abraham.”

(Mom) “Bo, you look so cute.”

(Dad) “What?”

(Me - Louder) “You look cute Dad.” 

(Dad) “Uh -that’s my goal.” 

(Lydia) “You should have visited them.” 

(Mom) “We had no money.”

(Lydia) “Credit cards. Sell a kidney.” 

(Lydia) “I did crush some boy’s hearts. But not Glenn! I lift Glenn’s up so it can fly.”

Callie, you are precious, and I'm already so proud of you. I am so excited to watch you grow and see how you participate and add to our family. 

Sometimes your aunts are terrible at filming. So the only record I have
of myself at events is the classic mirror shot. Someday they will learn to
open the lens cover.