Love/Hate

To the people I love so much.

I hate...

1. The way you refuse to see how blessed your life is.
2. The way you make everything a huge deal.
3. The way you don't realize that there are times and places for certain behavior.
4. The way you buy the lies of the god of the age.
5. The way you hate yourself. Got that? Its a big one for me - 

I HATE the way you CAN'T SEE your BEAUTIFUL AWESOMENESS all the time. Inside and out. Because I see it. 

I love...

1. How excited you get about the bible. Its contagious.
2. How you care so much for everyone, especially those most don't think worth caring for.
3. When you smile and your entire face lights up.
4. How every time I see you, you act like its been twelve years.
5. The way you have grown so strong and so beautiful.
6. How involved you get in everything - nothing is halfway.
7. How distracted you get so easily.
8. The way you get along with everyone, and make us all feel special and loved.
9. The way you come up with ridiculous stuff on the spot.
10. The way you dream big - and have the drive to follow through.
11. The way you never settle.
12. Holding you in my arms. 
13. The way you will do so much for people.
14. How protective you are.
15. The leader you have become.
16. The way you have become my family.
17. The way you say my name.
18. How utterly talented you are. 
19. The way the simplest things absolutely make your day.
20. The way you ask, "How are you?" and I know you absolutely care about the answer.
21. The way you never stop smiling.
22. The way you love other people.
23. How you make me laugh.
24. The way you are "mean" to me.
25. How we are still friends though we have only hung out once in the past three years.
26. The way you look at my face and know my opinion with 95% accuracy. 
27. The way you have so much seemingly useless knowledge.
28. Your laugh.
29. Your hug.
30. Your honesty.

I could go on - and on - and on. People are my absolute favorite part of my life. They are my home, hate or love, but always love. 

One Moment

For she said, 'I will go after my lovers,

   who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.

'Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths. She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them,and she shall seek them but shall not find them. 

Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.'And she did not know that it was for it was better for me then than now.

'And she did not know that it was I who gave her  the grain, the wine, and the oil,and who lavished on the grain, the wine, and the oil,and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal.   

Today I drove through an intersection, the one at Spring Garden and Chapman. Every time I drive through that intersection I can't help but think one thought, "What did I really gain from turning left?".

No, its not a metaphor for my political position. Last April 1, I came up on that intersection and was too impatient to wait for the cars in front of me to go straight through the light, so I turned left. 12 seconds later I no longer had a car. I was no longer going to camp that afternoon. I was deeper in debt to my parents. I lost my independence to drive wherever I needed. I lost one stable thing in my life. All because I didn't want to wait for the light?

I ask that question, but I don't believe it true. I believe firmly in the sovereignty of God. So I don't get too caught up in the "what if?" element of that experience in life, or any experience.

This summer at camp, our theme was "Pure" and one of the talks that James gave was about the refiner. The process of purifying gold consists of boiling it, burning it in the hottest fire until the impurities are either burned away or float to the surface. Reflecting on these past few months, that decision to turn left and the subsequent consequences were a catalyst.

All the growing that I have done have come out of a realization of my inadequacy. That started when I failed at braking my car fast enough. And failed at making enough money to fix it. And failed to fullfil what I committed to at camp that weekend.

I fail. Failure is not desirable, its not something to aspire to, but it is acceptable. The moment you stop accepting your failure is the moment you get stuck in an endless cycle of it.

Therefore, I will say this. From turning left I gained inordinate amounts of humility. I gained inordinate amounts of Grace. I gained an increase awareness of my inability and ergo and increased awareness of God's. I'm going to stop there, because that is the crowning point.

An increased awareness of God. 

You Have a Heartbeat and I Miss It

I express myself physically. If I am happy I want to hug something. If I am mad I want to punch something. 

My mom always called me a tactile person, this means I want to touch everything. For example, when I read books I do it best by running my fingers across the page. This does not keep my spot or help me follow words, it just helps my brain focus more on the words. 

This summer I found that if I was talking to someone I would put my hand on their shoulder. If I was walking next to them I wanted to link arms with them or grab their hand. If I greet you or leave you, I’m likely going to want to give you a high five or a hug.  If I pass you in the road a high five will be attempted. Depending on how well I know someone I will kiss their heads, rest my head on their shoulder, or just bear hug them, (don’t be intimidated this takes a long time, except in camp environment because everything about friendships goes in hyper speed there. The point being that now, as I am transitioning between three different locations (camp, home and school) I am realizing how I miss people. I miss the way they feel.

One of my friends was trying to sell me on a depressing movie he feels I need to watch by telling me to listen to the story because it “has a heartbeat”. Needless to say I was sold just on impressive wording. I also informed him that I would most likely use that phrase in a blog posting. Ha. Told ya. 

If depressing movies have a heartbeat then friendships definitely do. When you get to know someone and you hang around them, you develop a heartbeat. An unstated rhythm that guides your actions. You know where you stand next to that person to accommodate their personal space. You know how to greet them (high five, side hug, bear hug etc) and how to say goodbye. You know when to its okay to link arms in a jig or trust fall on them (Dani!). You learn the most comfortable spot for your head to rest on a shoulder, and which way to sit next to them on a couch (30 some staff - one sofa, one love seat, and one recliner - you do the math).

 For each person and each unique heartbeat there is a unique feeling of home. It’s not the same with every person, but for every person I know there is a section of my heart that comes home every time I can be near those people again.

 As I move away from the people that I love and invest so much in, I find my heart aching for the rhythm of our friendship’s heartbeat. Its something that you can’t pass through a text message or convey over Skype. Its the reason I could never work with computers, or be a hermit. Its the way God made me and I have to rest in the knowledge that when I see these people again the joy and peace of being home will make up for the empty ache of being apart. Above all else I am thankful for the beautiful heartbeats of each friendship I have been given, they are irreplaceable and a constant joy in my life. 

Thank you. 

One Foot At a Time

What's something you depend on a lot? Food, water, family, technology.

How about light?

It could be just me, but I think light is one of the greatest, yet most forgotten dependencies. For example, what's everyones biggest fear? Dark. (i.e. - no LIGHT!)

I used to think it made sense. If God was light, then darkness must be evil. Here's the dilly though - God created darkness and light (Genesis 1). In my understanding of God, He cannot create evil. It'd be a contradiction. Now my thinking is - darkness happens.

Have you ever walked in the dark? Without any flashlight, cell phone, candle or whatever you would use? It can be intimidating, especially when its unfamiliar ground. For example, the other night I went to my friends house to get my sock.  I had to ask Aaron to back the car I was driving out of the driveway because unfamiliar car, plus unfamiliar driveway at 10 o'clock at night made me nervous. He wasn't feeling great so he moved it before I was ready to leave. I finished catching up with Peter, then decided to leave. I was apparently a tad tired because some non-sensical things had come out of my mouth already that did not necessarily inspire confidence in my abilities. As I opened the door to leave, our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Alright, see you...whew! its dark out. I hope I can find my car."
Peter: "Do you need me to walk you to your car?"
Me: "Mmmm...nah. I'll find it around here somewhere. Oh! there's a step here."
Peter: "And you're sure you'll be okay?"
Me: "Yeah! - Does your driveway go this direction?"
Peter: (Long look, shaking his head, then comes out to lead the way - bless his heart)

Okay, it was really dark. I had to follow Peter with my hand on his shoulder so I wouldn't lose him. I asked him how he could see and he told me, "I can't, but I know the driveway." (We found the car without one misstep - on Peter's end)

Earlier I said, "Darkness happens." I didn't just mean approximately every 12 hours half the earth goes dark, I meant it happens in life.

Raise your hand and shout "Amen" if you ever felt like you were sitting in the dark. Sure every morning you get up, eat, breathe, you may have a job, or school, but everything around you is dark.

You can't find a point to your actions, or purpose to your being. That "light at the end of the tunnel" isn't getting closer, because you can't see it. You can't find the strength to get up and go looking.

What do we do with that?

I read a book in which a character was going through a tough time. She ended up looking at Psalm 23, which most of us can recite at least in part. You know it, "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want." Then there is the part, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." You can't get much darker than that. The valley of the shadow of death. But that's not what I'm pointing out. I'm pointing out the word, "walk".  That is an action, a verb. It requires doing. It does not say, "Yea though I'm stuck...". The reason Peter made it down the driveway was not that he could see any more, it was because he knew the general direction he needed to be walking and had the faith to put one foot in front of the other. He had faith that there was not a branch fallen, or a confused snake, or that the earth hadn't suddenly gone all 2012 on him and there was a gaping hole where his driveway should be.

Darkness is not evil. Darkness is a chance to strengthen our faith in and dependence on God.

All this came to me as I was walking by myself from the lodge to the hotels (about a 1/4 mile) without a light. It was really dark, but I know that road from walking it multiple times a day going to the archery or riflery ranges. Still I suppose I was walking on a faith similar to Peter's. The difference being that there was no one with me. For the past two weeks since camp ended and whoever was left moved to the hotels, nearly every night some combination of Dani, Owen, Thomas, Angela or myself has walked up, usually linking arms or holding hands. We did that to keep track of each other and also to help those with no night vision (*cough - Thomas) stay on the road.

This is another epic metaphor of the body of Christ. When we feel that lost God will sometimes send one of His ambassadors to guide, encourage, or hold accountable. But sometimes its just us.

I have this quote that I love. "I believe in the sun, even when its not shining. I believe in love, even when I don't feel it. I believe in God, even when he is silent." When we are alone and continue to walk that is when we grow the strongest. On dark nights, we don't doubt the sun will rise. Why would we doubt God, who is faithful to make the sun rise, every single day. Why would he leave us purposelessly in the dark?

Darkness is an opportunity to grow faith. Sometimes its not even depressing, just mediocre life. This is striking a chord with me because I see myself slipping this way. During camp I would hang out with God almost every spare minute I had because I had so little time I had to stay connected with Him to stay sane. Now that we are on to the chiller retreat season I'm drifting away. I feel mediocre and almost listless.

This is my faith time. The reason or purpose is not starring me in the face like when I have ten little girls sleeping six feet away looking at me to lead them. So I need to keep walking.

Practically, God is super helpful with this. Its pretty basic. Read the word. He gives us dang checklists for actions (1 Cor 13, Gal 5), but the most important is in John 15, "Abide in me." So to keep walking I'll keep living, and to keep living I'll keep walking, and it will all come from abiding.

God hatched a scheme for my life, if I follow and walk with Him I have to have the faith that there is never a purposeless darkness. I just have to keep walking.

Take a breath.




And put one foot in front of the other.

Dear...

Dear Summer,

Thank you.

Dear Summer,

You are ridiculously hot. In these mountains, the rain falls every day at 3 and swimming class has to have fourteen rainy day plans. And then the sun comes out and makes us all feel like we were wrapped in plastic wrap. And then we spend from 8 in the morning to 9 at night, largely outside. Crazy right? You know what's crazier? We love it. 

My heart is literally hurting from an overflow of love. Love for the camp, love for the job, love for the people, love for the work, love for the precious gift of summers. Each summer more devoted than the next.

Why have I been given enough Grace to be here? To know these hundreds of precious souls. Children of God. Intricately designed and beautifully made.

What kind of place makes leaders out of the meek, makes heros out of the wallflowers, and turns respectable young adults into tight wearing, song screaming, face painting, wing flapping, spirit filled wackos?

We were there. We were overflowing.

I was there. My cup was running over.

I am leaving, but its spilling into me. 

I take away hundreds of new relationships.

I take away approximately ten thousand, seven hundred and thirty two reasons why I should never stop smiling.

I take away a hurt for their hurt.

I take away joy for their joy.

I take away intense pride for the lives I've watched grow up.

I take away fervent love for the lives I've known.

I would quickly die, so they could live. 

God help me live, so more don't die.

Dear Summer,

You inspire my year.

Challenge me to work harder, to be fitter so I can serve more. 

Challenge me to love and give more, so I can overflow God.

Challenge me to seek out friends that hold me up and keep me accountable.

Challenge me to pursue God. Because that is my reason for life.

Dear Summer,

You are really just a season. You fade into Autumn and Autumn into Winter. There is nothing special about you. 

What's special is the season of life. 

What's even more special is the giver of life. I replace your name with His. 

Dear God,

Thank you.

It's About How You Fail

Have you ever watched a child fall and get so flustered that they fall while getting up again. Unless someone else steps in, you can watch someone fall, get up, fall, get up, until they decide that its no use, and just stay down.

All summer I teach climbing. I don't climb much, but I've taught it for three years now. The near sure sign of defeat for a kid on a wall is when they start jumping and grabbing frantically. When they panic and start grabbing for hand holds they will inevitably knock their feet off, then their hand will suddenly have their body weight (not all of it because we being the supportive belayers we are, are holding about half) and then their hand slips off. After three or four rounds of this they will slump into the harness, grab the rope, and ask to come down.

Today I heard a song by a band I had never heard of, Beautiful Mistake. It was called "Circular Parade". One of the lines (yeah - the only one I understood) says this:

"I've brought you here, You're in my circular parade of failure...Run away!"

That song had such a hopeless desperation.

I think in stories. We've established this. In that one line I heard his story and it looked like that kid trying to climb the wall.

We fail. We panic and throw ourselves into trying again. We fail.

Now, it needs to be clarified that I don't use the word fail lightly. I don't mean I got a C in class, or lost my keys.

I mean failing God. Because when that happens I let down a lot of my family and friends on top of God. Epic fail.

I have found that when I mess up, when I fail God, I recoil. I get upset. I get panicky and resolute against doing it again then I fail in the same way, quickly. What gives?

What are we left to do?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:1-2

Lay aside.

Remember Newton. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

When we panic and fling things away, they bounce back.

In life its the same way. If we panic and act on the emotion of guilt and shame, then the same problem will sneak its way back.

We lay it aside. We take a minute to surrender, not fling. Give it over to God and run with Him.

But anyone who has walked with Jesus for any stretch of time will tell you, we walk with Him and we still fail. We're still going to have certain things that grab us and pull us toward failure. Temptation. Struggles. Crutches. We going to feel the burn of failure. And yet He is going to still be with us, ready to take it from us when we surrender and cover us in grace to restore our hearts.

Thanks God.

Just remember - don't panic.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

"Be still and now that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

The New Year - in July

I was driving down the road and I realized that my head was thinking of preparing for a new year. It's July. For those who are not feeling quick on the calendar today that is seven months too late.

There are a couple reasons why this is. Number one, school is a big deal at this point in life and I'm about to start a new year - correction my last year (for a few years at least), so because of that I have in my mind a new thing starting.

Second and biggest - camp. I adore Strong Rock Camp. This was my fourth year and if I'm honest I gave more to this summer than any before. That's more of myself to God and then camp so at the end of the sessions I was literally dead of myself. But in between kids, naps, food, running, playing, resting, and collapsing there were moments. Rather there were people who defined moments and there is no way I could remember all of them, but I want to write down a few.

Bekah

I guess I'll start with Bekah. She was my co- counselor. This is a cool story, because I had been co-counselors with Lauren for the past two summers (well one and a half - Taylor Hall was the with me for three weeks and she was AWESOME, but the cabins needed to be shuffled and I ended up back with Lau-Lau).

Lauren

I was terrified of being with Rebekah in a cabin. All I knew about her was that she was loud and dramatic and I couldn't see how we would work well together. Lauren is not loud or dramatic and we had been fantastic and never had a problem so I couldn't fathom working with anyone else. Then I got put with Bekah. For whatever reason God made me super emotional that night and I was really upset by an outside issue and had to leave as soon as the counselor assignment meeting had finished, to go cry. Beks came and found me and I managed to choke out it wasn't about her, which was true. So she brushed it off, but not by leaving, by wrapping her arms around me in a big hug and praying to Jesus. I just started smiling. While she was praying I felt an indescribable peace wash over me. God used my weakened emotional state to get me out of my own selfish ways and see how awesome Rebekah was. She finished praying and we sat and talked for a minute about what direction we wanted to take our cabin this summer and our visions were so similar. All summer that unity was reflected, we had not one single, minuscule, minute issue. Ever. 

Early on in the summer I established how much I love spirit. Which is probably why this picture just makes my day.

Look at my boys. That's my tribe (two of them) breaking it down on spirit. I BELIEVE THAT WE CAN WIN! My tribe (Awahili blue) made me so proud all summer. Owen bringing his cheers, Andrew, Dani, Ben, Angela, and Whitney writing those songs, Michael and his "If you ain't crazy you look stupid speech", and Mater and Eli, just being there wherever we needed, carrying the flag, getting spirited, helping organize, standing in for missing counselors. We were successful this summer because of you all. Thanks.

On that same note the Waya's blew me away. I mean, leap frog? That happened. Lucas, your spirit in everything? Inspirational. Aaron, your ability to shout about wolves always made me proud, you've got some lungs on you. Garrett, you've got a mean cartwheel. Rachel, you can spell W-A-Y-A with pride and it made me want to sing along with you. Beks! You must be joking! (No I'm not being mean people - its a cheer) Alex, your paint won awards. The amount you gave to the red and black, crazy! Meagan, you and Aaron had the tough job of being the only returning Waya, you trained the tribe in the ways impressively well. Taylor, bringing the Old Testament prophets? There are hardly words.

When we weren't being ridiculous with spirit, we were dressing up crazy, for usually no apparent reason.

 Then there were classes. I guest appeared in a couple of random classes, but there were two specific ones I got to plan lessons for and figure out. One was Archery.

I taught a lot with Meagan and Angela. I loved these girls. They gave me confidence. I get protective of classes I love (i.e. Archery), but I knew they could handle it (i.e. give kids a good time, keep things moving and keep them safe). There was one other girl who gave me the same confidence, but she also blessed me in Climbing just the same so she gets a picture there.

WHITNEY! She beast-ed archery and climbing. For real, I do not climb, but I've taught it for three years with the fabulous Sara Walcott, (Who was a program director and not in many pictures this summer, but I adore her and she beast-ed her new job) and then this year I got to be one of the leads, with this lady and this kid, Aaron Hunter. Both of these people made my day as I got weary of climbing because we would throw around lead teaching depending on the day because we could all do it and that makes a big difference at camp. Love you two!

Then for the last half of the summer I got to add a really random class that I loved! With Aaron and Zack. Guess what it was? FISHING! I know, who knew? I could find a picture of Zack fishing, but here he is posing. I had so much fun with the boys, teaching a class that I picked up on along with the kids, but now I know significantly more about bass fishing and about rods. Cause I got to attach hooks, weights, bait, and bobbers.

And now I have a section of specific stories for pictures.

This is Garrett, camp name Blurt. He is in a tree. A few minutes before this picture I was walking in the woods during Sock War, looking for the Waya flag. Then a sock hit me. I turned around and another sock hit me and there was Sammie (nicest, sweetest, most friendly person ever with a fantastic smile) grinning at me. I told her that she didn't need to hit me twice cause I wasn't a general and she looked confused and said she just hit me once. I looked around and eventually looked up and saw this boy grinning at me. I got just had to laugh. Sammie didn't know he was up there either. I was super impressed. He hit me on the first try too. I tossed him an extra sock up there and headed to field to be counted out.

While we're talking about Sock War lets talk about this picture. This summer I discovered that I have like no competitiveness and its getting less every year (Please note the contrast of meekness with Owen's beastliness). So I was happy when I discovered that I could walk around during Sock War and most people would be okay and believe me if I said I wasn't going to hit them. So I found myself sitting on the top of the archery hill watching one of the most epic Sock War battles ever. Behind me were Taylor (Ops) and a couple campers hiding in the brush. I hadn't seen them when I sat down, but I am so un-intimidating they didn't bother to hit me. They accepted my lack of competitiveness quickly and took it so much to heart that when the rest of the tribe on the field saw me and yelled for someone to get me out one dear little girl stood up and screamed at the top of her lungs. "You get her out I get you out! She has NO PURPOSE!!!" I just had to turn around and laugh, because she was being so sweet and didn't realize what she was saying exactly. Taylor's head was hanging and shaking back and forth. Its all you can do and remain and encouraging counselor. I said "Thank you" and we moved on.

Now these two. Taylor and Owen from the last story. I love these two. At the start of the summer they had the job that started my time at Strong Rock and they put me to shame every day. They smiled and laughed and served and got along. That's a big one in the kitchen. They got along so well that while I worked retreats with Owen he more than once would get a text from Taylor or have a memory and just smile a sad little smile in remembrance. They worked with each other and helped each other when the job made them want to slap someone. I appreciate you two, more than words can express.

Acrobatics seemed to be a returning theme this year. One could credit the start of that to the weekend after second second and the formation of a little group called SMACKS (So Many Awesome Crackas Keeping Score - T.Wade made that up on the spot, but he did it with confidence so people accepted that we planned it). This was Jill, Bekah, Taylor, Andrew and I.  We were skilled, and almost quit camp to go on the road.

 Okay, so we laughed and fell, more than actually feats. In the picture on the top we had a tower going. Normally I was the spotter, at this point I am actually more on foot protection control. As in keeping Jill's feet off of Taylor's head. Then we fell and Jill was under the table, Bekah is all but disappeared, Andrew looks unconscious, but the good news is there is no feet on Taylor's head. Success. Hahaha - in reality there were some impressive moments, but a lot of them missed the camera. But we know. SMACKS forever. (Note my co-co's bag in the first picture).

Now that we're talking about Jill. We can talk about our adventure. For our second session the youngest two cabins were going on camp out and Jill's HERO II girls were coming to help. Jill and I were the only girls able to build a fire so we went up early. We got a little way off and heard the thunder, but pressed on. We of course did not bring a radio. We kept chatting and collecting sticks and building the fire as the sky got darker and the thunder got louder. Then I went to light the match and four matches in the wind had blew out every one. I looked at Jill as the thunder cracked over us and we said almost together, "I think its time to go." We threw the fire supplies in our bags shouldered them and walked with purpose towards the trail. We were thirty feet down and heard the rain and ran. We ran as fast as we could out of the woods down the side of the pasture towards the barn. The wind was blowing so hard my left side was totally dry, but my right side was soaked. As hoped I found the barn's radio in the tack room and checked in. Dear James came and got us and we headed back to change and join the party in the gym, where we "camped". 

Finally, we'll end (for now) with this picture and story, because I could tie it in earlier. This is Aaron. Aaron is my brother. Not really, but so many campers believe it. I like this picture because he's got his shoving arm out (typical) and I'm shaking the "No-no" finger (typical). Somehow last year we got started telling campers we were brother and sister and we brought it back this year. I had one group of campers ready to get in fights defending that so I had to tell them that he was actually just my brother in Christ. Another group when I said, he and Peter (my little brother - or rather Aaron's), weren't my real brother's actually wanted to argue it. They straight up told me, "No, they're your brothers!" Aaron and Peter I love ya'll. The end.

 I'm ending with some random pictures that just made me smile.

There are countless more pictures, videos (Shouldn't have driven off and left me and Owen, with your phone. You know who you are) and memories. I'm sure random ones will pop up throughout the year, because my year has been made by summer for four years now and this summer was no different. There is a huge section of my heart to each one of the people I had the privilege of knowing this summer of 2011. I adore you, all of you, for the rest of your lives till we're all having a...."PARTY WITH JESUS! (doo doo, doo doo doo do).

History Books Recall Me As...

So today is my day off from camp. We are in a two week session right now and either its against the law to work us 13 days straight or they fear our sanity, but we all get one day off between Wednesdays. Its been lovely thus far, I bought a yellow dress and made some pad thai and watched my friend spend over half an hour trying to figure out his water filter - and now he's pulling out knives with 8 inch blades.

Promising.

Now I am writing and it feels wonderful.

The more often I write the more often topics come to me. I find myself have random thoughts come into my head and start forming them into blog post. This one is expanding on undoubtedly my favorite topic of the semester, our stories. ("The ______ Story", "A Thought"). This thought started last weekend, or rather two weekends ago. My brain is on camp time.

I was riding with the same friend who has now moved on to figuring out his headphones (with extension he refused to ask the Best Buy people about) - starting the clock.

Sidebar. I do not currently have a car so shout out to the that friend who is super gracious and awesome about giving me rides. I cannot express my appreciation in anything beyond thank you (especially for the non-100 mile, 100 mile trip - you do over-exaggerate)

Anyway, we were talking about something I can't rightly recall, but he mentioned a past a acquaintance as the someone who "destroyed" him. That got me thinking about people in our past and the labels we give them. Some of them are basic, "my old teacher", "my ex-girlfriend", and some are awesome, "my greatest mentor" or "my favorite babysitter", and some are ones that no one wants to be ever, "the person who ruined my life" or "the one who destroyed me". It makes me wonder what labels I've left in peoples life and what labels I'm leaving now. Thus far in the year I have rocked the roles of: granddaughter, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, friend, employee, babysitter, student, counselor, teacher, peer, subordinate, leader, customer, member, passenger, lawbreaker (failure to reduce me speed. Yeah - good times) and so many others I don't have the brain power to recall, but you get the idea. Over half of those could occur in a single day to multiple people ( count the interactions that could occur in the first paragraph of "Reflections..."). Its almost frightening to imagine the vast array of labels that could be bestowed upon me.

My expansion on this thought occurred during Lifeline (evening devotions at my camp). My director was talking about what we can be known for (our pure and upright conduct) and he was asking the kids about some famous people they know of and why, then he said that he knows he will never do anything famous enough to get written into the history books. I almost jumped and asked "Who's history book?". In that split second of saying he wasn't going in any history books, my boss was already written into the history books of the 100 sets of ears that were listening to him. One hundred different history books, at one time, in one moment. I don't need to be in the books that are taught in school. I'm already in so many books, and I pray in a good way.

My third expansion on history books came just now.

If I am written into history books, do I really want that? It seems simple, but if I honestly believe that everything good in me is from God, doesn't that mean that I should want to disappear and leave only Him. It's the John 3:30 principle, "He must increase and I must decrease". If I desire God, I desire to disappear into the shadow of a greater good, a greater Love, a greater God.

Lord, I am in awe that You allow me to be Your hands and feet, Your ambassador. Continue to humble me. Continue to make myself disappear, leave only You. 

Final sidebar. The head phones took ten minutes to get straight. Bravo my friend. 

The _________ Story

So if you want to know about my life right now I have one word: Camp.

Click here to read a blog post by a dear friend who is here at the same time. It is a near perfect representation of where I'm at.

Instead of starting on the novel's worth of growth and change that has happened to me these three weeks I will expand on a prevailing thought I've had for the past year.

Stories.

Who doesn't love a good story? Over a year ago, right before my adopted grandfather passed away I came across the familiar verses of Psalm 139, verse 16.

 "Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them."

Our lives are a story.

Have you ever read a story and you get to the end and you suddenly see the masterful way that the author added the small details to work for a big ending? Those are the best. Imagine someone writing a story and that person cannot make a mistake.

Most. Epic. Thing. Ever.

That's our lives.

Everyday I get to wake and be a part of an amazing story. I am watching the details and not knowing the end, but when it comes it will amazing to get to heaven and look back on the intricate details. The little things. The things that pass a by and then sometimes weeks, months, years down the road we look back and say, "Hmm. That was the day when I met my ______." or "That was when I decided ______."

And then there are the things we won't see. Those are the ones I think will be most surprising. Those are the moments that we get glimpses of.

When you get a book that good you just want to savor every page. So why don't we savor our lives?

We rush for graduation, for weddings, for jobs, for vacation, for meeting people, for leaving people. All those things are part of our lives, but the days in between are the ones that make all the "big" days so great.

Every day I get up and do my best to savor that page of the story, because I don't want to miss something. I don't want to pass a little innocuous detail that shifts the direction of the story. I want to be able to look back and see the baby steps, not just the leaps, because God wrote me a story, long before I started living it. That is grounding.

I can't wait to see where our stories interact next. It'll be a good day, because it was planned, before time.  So go on and embrace the day, the details, and your story.

Campo de Verano

I am at Strong Rock Camp. This place screams my name deep into my heart when I am not here and from now until July I get to join in the shouts. What does that sound like, you ask? There are no words.

Stop for a minute and imagine a time and a place when you are in your element. When you feel loved and accepted even as you act ridiculous. I adore this place.

There are so many things that fill my heart to overflowing. I have not been so excited or bubbly or utterly ridiculous most likely since last summer.


One thing that screaming especially loud tonight are the stars. They are piercing beams of light. They stab through the dark velvety sky and amaze me.

"Star light,

Star bright.

You've just rocked my world tonight.

 Yell down from the heavens.

Sing the glory of my Lord."

Number two, a beautiful song.

Contrary to what my fellow staffers may think, it is not the Fruit of the Spirit song. It's God's song.

Tonight we sang a song with James. The bridge says: "You are my strong melody/ You are my dancing rhythm/ You are my perfect rhyme/ And I will sing your praise, forever."

In my dance class this semester I learned about modern dance. What I loved about this was at times this dance is very structured and at times you just dance with the rhythm inside you. If I think of this as life, I want God to be my "strong melody". Not a weak melody, but strong. Strong enough to create the world. To live on earth, to die for the entire human race. Strong enough to show me life, life to the fullest. I want to dance for God. I want my life to be a dance to the song that God wrote for my life. Someone told me the other day that a Christian scientist did a research and found out that if you take our DNA and turn it sideways and transpose it, it makes a song, a unique song. I haven't done research into this, but it makes sense with God. He loves us so much He not only provided a way for us to conquer death, He gave us a song, a rhythm to dance to. For our lives. For my life. I want to dance to God's song, not my own.

My goal this summer is to follow God. His song. My life. Our dance.

The Safety of Your Car

First off - check your oil. Running your oil out is good way to ensure danger for your engine.

Now that we got through what it sounds like this post is about, lets move on to my real meaning.

Yes. It's about walking, as many of my posts seem to be lately. Or maybe its just my thoughts. Maybe one day I'll compile them into one work. The Car-less Chronicles. Catchy right?

Tonight I took the bus to the bank and then caught the return bus. Since the bank was closed I used the ATM then got to stand at the bus stop for ten or so minutes. Always interesting. Especially during rush hour on one of the main streets leaving down town. People stare. I was reminded again of the judgmental way I used to look at bus riders from my car.

When I got on the bus I got to have a lovely conversation with what must have been the driver's daughter. She sat right behind the driver with no noticeable guardian figure. She struck up a conversation within ten seconds of my sitting next to her. Fun personality.

Then I got off half a mile early to run into the Bestway. It was there I was carded for the first time – for my grape juice, sparkling of course.

I love that stuff and keep waiting to get carded on it. Tonight that dream came true. Needless to say the little guy behind the register quickly became my best friend.

Now let me explain what I mean by "Safety of your Car". It is a reference the bubble like feeling we get when driving. There is always a hunk of metal between you and the world around you. You have no direct contact with anything outside the car. This can be a good thing (especially in the ghetto half of my city), but you can also miss out on a lot, like:

1) The people who walk too.

I passed little boys with basketballs. Twenty year olds with dread locks. Old couples exercising. My favorite of the day came from the bus stop by my apartment. There was a middle aged couple jogging, both plugged into their iPods. When they got the intersection, the man turns around to the woman and starts waving his hands around communicating commando style to decide which way to go.  They went straight.

2) The sensation of it.

Something about walking. Being near the earth. Having to watch for the uneven cracks in the sidewalk. Squinting in the sun. Embracing the breeze. The rush of passing cars. Ducking under dangling branches. Just feeling your feet move. Have you ever stopped to wonder at that? We do things like walking without giving them a thought. I am exceedingly blessed by my legs and feet, and so are you. Working lower limbs are one of the greatest things around you. They are what keep you in a semblance of independence. Being without a car my legs are 60-70% of my transportation. If I did not have the ability to walk I'd be in real trouble. Not only has this made me more thankful for my legs, but has made me more impressed by people who are without working ones.

3) The world around you.

I got to see part of the inside of the round house. Yes there is a circular house on my street. Its classy. The girl was either moving in or out. Either way I got the chance to see part of the inside and also walked away with a box and an awesome old wooden crate. I saw people in their yards as well as a less than intimidating, small, old dogs behind a fence labeled "Beware of Dog".

4) The smells.

If you have never walked down the street when honeysuckle is in bloom you are being deprived of one of the joys of life.

5) The opportunity to stand out.

There are very few people who stand out in their cars. The best you can do is make your car stand out. Walk down a busy street with a large red crate on your hip. Start dancing at a bus stop. You stand out a little. Not everyone wants to be the center of attention, but I think a part of us all wants to be noticed. Something you can't really do in a car.


Finally I need a share blooper photo. I did a image search to find the photos I used in this blog. I found many different pictures. Some were rather inappropriate because that's what everyone thinks of when you type in "girl walking" and "smelling flowers". A couple of them were down right hilarious.

I mean come on? There was a hilarious picture of this kid walking I was going to add but I missed the copyright. 

Reflections from the Bus Stop, the Backyard, and the 8th Floor.

This is me. For once. 

There is something poetic about sitting on a bag on a bus stop. Last Tuesday I spent a lot of time doing that. I mastered three different bus routes and walked approximately three miles. The result was I traded in clothes at Plato's Closet and got in turn shoes (so I can stop borrowing my sister's shoes every time I need to dress up), an easter dress (with pockets!) a tank top and t-shirt (for camp). I went to Target, which was in the same shopping center, then went to a different shopping center and got groceries then walked home. Bus 9 took me to school that morning. I took bus 8 to the first shopping center and back to the depot where I got on bus 7 which took me to the next shopping center. From there I walked home.
I got to my second bus stop of the day more than ten minutes early and just sat and enjoyed the moment. The sun was on my left side and the wind was on my right. I watched the cars coming waves and a lot of them the speeding through the red lights. It was peaceful time. Listening to an awesome song.

This was from this past Wednesday. She wouldn't tell me what
we were making as we added cupfuls of dirt to the water
then we gathered sticks to drop in there then she starts with,
"Oh yes, these are looking beautiful." What were we making?
Chocolate colored pretzels. 

Moving on to the back yard. I babysit and awesome kid for the sake of discretion I will call her Amelia, she's seven. Last Wednesday I went to their house and we made soup out of water and stuff found in the yard. Amidst phrases like, "I think that flower was a good addition." and "These colors are really working." She was brainstorming how to better the soup.
Disclaimer: She loves the cooking channel. Yes she's seven.
The first issue we ran into was a more solid base. Amelia suggested, "We need chicken stock." I had to ask where she planned on getting some and she responded, "The kitchen." I didn't see her mom loving that so I suggested dirt. She bought it. In reality I was deterring from what I knew was coming. She is an incredibly creative thinker and there were two dogs walking around. You can all guess where I saw her search for chicken stock going. Then she decided we needed chicken. Once again I asked her how she thought we could represent that. She looked around and hit me with, "A bird?" Had to look really object there. We ended up with leaves. Then came the discussion of how to cook it. Of course it was going in the play house then she said we should bake it not cook it.
"Does your mom make soup in the oven?" she thought for a minute.
"Maybe not, but I know Rachel has."
I stopped to think about what her aunt's name was then had ask, "Who's Rachel?"
She looked taken aback, "You don't know Rachel Ray?!"
All I could do was laugh.

Finally the eighth floor.
This picture is my number two reason that Greensboro works for me. This is not the edge of the city. There is so much city below that tree line. I love the fact that there are so many trees and they are so big and old that the majority of the city is below them. This is what I looked at out of the window that was next to the desk that I wrote at on the 8th floor of Jackson Library. Lovely. Yes I did get the paper done. Thanks for asking.




Currently jamming to "How You Like Me Now" by The Heavy. Still working on getting that video, pardon it. : )