"It's The Sound of the Dawn Breaking"

The title from the song, "Hope" by Kristine DeMarco (sorry, best video I could find).

Many people have written many things about Easter. There are classic phrases, like “He is risen, He is risen indeed” that we will throw around. There are songs that we’ll hear every year, like “Were You There?”. 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with these things as a general rule, I don’t like that they make me numb. I grew up hearing the story, seeing the somber look that pastors get when they read those chapters of the gospels. Seeing the fabric draped crosses, hearing over and over about the suffering, and the joy (again, not wrong on it's own, actually pretty good, unless you become numb, as I have and seen many others) This year, we've added the memes on facebook of stylized image of Jesus, and the cross, with phrases and verses. 

I see the memes and I roll my eyes.* 

How can we take it down to a meme? It’s the same format used to make fun of Justin Bieber and populate the Ryan Gosling, “Hey Girl” movement. 

Every moment I live in a battle. I battle my self. I battle the god of the age. I do my best to rally my failed flesh and do my best to return punches. I do my best to pick up the sword and attack the day. 

Still I fail. 

Still I lie in a broken heap, hiding. 

Still I stand frozen while the blood runs down my face. 

I know that I can not win. I know that no matter how hard I fight, no matter how much good I do, I will still fail. I will still have darkness inside me that needs to be shoved into light. 

God created a perfect earth. He created humans so they could be close to Him. But Satan came in with a lie, and in one decision on the part of humans, a decision repeated every second of every day, Satan gleefully helped us create a chasm between ourselves and God, one of sin and darkness. The separation between God and us left us helpless and hopeless to ever get back to Him on our own. God can not remain God and let something as dirty as us know Him. His line is singular and immovable. There is no small sin He lets slide. There is nothing we can do, to bridge that separation.

Easter is regarded as the time when we remember Christ coming to save the world. It is a weekend where people show up in church for the first time all year and sing sentimental hymns and stand  looking properly somber on Friday and properly joyful on Sunday. But Easter is not just a weekend event. Easter is not contained. It can’t be. Christ didn’t just die on a weekend in April and leave us to "remember" the anniversary once a year. Every day that I get up with hope, I am celebrating Easter, because 2,000 years ago my separation ended, my inevitable death was destroyed and the god of the age lost all power.

Every day, every moment, I have options, I have hope, because Christ defeated death and offered me adoption into His family. When I fail, He doesn’t kick me out. When I lie in a broken heap, He picks me up. When I stand frozen, He wipes the blood out of my eyes and spurs me forward. He does this because not only has He faced all the darkness I face, He beat the crap out of it and then destroyed it.

People who hold on to their darkness run from Him in fear. When I live in His grace and adoption, my darkness is brought to light. When Christ's light shines, I believe Satan screams in frustration that he has lost so epically. 

Every day when I get up to fight, I am thankful. I am thankful not just that I am on the team that wins, I am thankful that I get to fight, to feel personally defeated and see Jesus win anyway. If Jesus' victory had also taken everything hard, like feelings of failure and loss, I don’t think I would be able to fully know the victory. 

Salvation. The moment when you realize you face the dark legion all alone. As they descend and encircle you, all you see is the clash of steel, all you hear are anguished cries, and your heart is racing so hard you can’t catch a breath. You suffer their blades carving out pieces of your self, and feel dizzy from their blows. Your own blood, is being coughed from your lungs and runs down your face. You know “I’m dead” and then decide to cry out for Life.

The moment when you feel the strength of the Spirit overtake your weary body and you catch your first glimpse of clear blue sky. As your old weary self dies, and Christ’s blood washes down making you new, the demons of your past fall away screaming at the Light overtaking you, and you  begin to see the view. You see the great grandeur of victory. You stand, free and new, in a sea of personal death.

Those demons will creep back. You will feel overwhelmed again, you are probably not done coughing up blood, but now, you are not alone. Now you face the legion alongside not only a sea of redeemed faces, but filled and surrounded by the One who defeated death itself. You have the hope that no matter how destroyed your body gets, your soul is invincible, because you’ve given it to One who destroys death. 

Think about that. Destroys death. 

The battle is actually a gift. We are now fighting from the top of a mountain. If I had been sitting in peace on the mountain the whole time, it wouldn’t be nearly as beautiful, because even in the fray, we have hope. Because we are fighting a war that is won. 

So how in the heck do you stick something as astounding as that on a meme?*

*I mean no disrespect towards the people who post memes. They are some dear friends of mine, many of whom I know have a deeper relationship with Jesus than a meme signifies to me. God is big enough to speak through these memes, whether I like it or not. 

Dear Callie. (Otherwise known as Family Part 2)

Dear Callie,

This year was your first Christmas. We had a lot of people. A lot.

Grandma (or whatever you decide to call her) made you a stocking.







See this picture? This is your family. Your daddy's family. Grandma and Grandpa. Aunt Liz, Uncle Glenn, Aunt Lyd, Aunt Charissa, Aunt Cilla (that's me!) and Aunt Sarah. Do you see yourself over there in the corner? You did a great job learning to cope with us. It was a bit of a culture shock for you, to switch from your quiet life with just you and Momma and Daddy to being around us all.

Luckily, your entire family loves you and did our best to work with you and try not to overwhelm you.

We let you sleep a lot, and were always available to hold you.

It was so fun to watch you sit and stare. I could see your eyes, taking us all in. You looked around the room, deeply. You were searching and putting pieces together. It was so incredible to watch your anxiety melt away the more time you spent with us. You learned the surroundings, you learned our faces. You had little worry lines in your forehead that relaxed as you learned how to appreciate an entire room full of people focused on you.

We did our best to make you feel comfortable by making sure each of us let you have time to get know us personally. It was such a strain on our part to spend time holding your precious little self.

You got to meet your Great - Grandmother too.

Usually if you got real overwhelmed you'd need to back off and spend some time with Momma or Daddy.

When we weren't doing our best to help you adjust, we were teaching you by example how to have a Gray family Christmas.

Eating a lot is a must. Always a variety. Our best times were when we just spread it out on the tables. Cookies, cheese, guacamole, crackers, and that disgusting summer sausage your Aunt Lyd likes so much.

Also important is talking along with eating. We talk about everything. Classes (because five out of 8 of us are in some sort of school), telling stories about people, music recommendation, movies, struggles, joys, plans...we share. We always have. Your Momma says that it's something that overwhelmed her a lot when she came into the family. She says that none of us fully realize how close we are. I think I agree, and we just keep getting closer, because we just like being around each other.

Sometimes we did hijinks. Like trying to stuff you in a stocking.

You weren't a big fan of that.

We played games too. Like tabletop shuffleboard.

You should be proud of your Daddy. He pretty much dominated. Sometimes we unseated him. But not very often.

We also went for walks. You feel asleep.

You slept really well, and we're pretty sure you grew about an inch in one day.

Okay I exaggerate. (Something else your family is prone to do). But you did grow a lot.

Grandma, likes to read books to you and work on your development. She was very impressed with you.

We basically all believe you are a genius baby.

You've yet to prove us wrong.




Most of all, no matter what happened, we laughed. A lot.

Sometimes your aunts decide to call the ham, "Roast Beast" and make a show out of carrying it to the table as a team.

This was one of my favorite moments. When we danced together. Remember that I will always dance with you. Especially when you are feeling upset, like you were that morning. I was proud of you. We put on Lena Horne's "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" and went to town, dancing your tears away.

You really liked your Uncle Glenn. He's the only uncle you have right now, on our side. And it's so much fun to watch him with you. I have this video of him planning all the fun times you are going to have together. He says that now all you do is hang out and look at the ceiling fan, but later you'll go out and get ice cream, and "something girls like" maybe, go to the park, but for now, it's mostly all about taking naps.

We also have traditions, like watching Elf. Your Aunt Charissa loves that one. Look how happy she is. We all say that watching her watch this movie is the best part. A dozen times in and she still laughs so hard. 

This is Grandpa Bo. He's a goofball. He loved acting out for you. This is his victory dance. He did this one for us. 

Here you are sitting in Gramp's lap while he makes faces and noises. I momentarily distracted you with a camera. 

Sometimes you made the same faces.

This is the most important part. 

These two people. 

They are your parents. 

They love you so much. 

Callie Ann, I've known your daddy my whole life. I have never ever seen him so enraptured with anything. He loves you. He is captured by you. He is proud of you. He is so protective of you. You completely amaze him. 

I've known your Momma for a few years too. She has taken her penchant for learning, for teaching, and channeled it completely into you. She buys books, and reads them. She thinks about helping you adjust to noise, to things on your head. She reads about how you are developing. She researches, she talks to Grandma, but my favorite thing that your Momma does is fight for you. She will tell people to back off. She fights to know you, and then she fights to make sure you get the best that she knows. 

Above all, both of your parents fight for you Spiritually. They pray. They know, they see you as an amazing gift, and you are. To your parents, to your family, to whoever God plans for you to encounter. 

Plus, look at you. Could you be any cuter?!

Finally, because I told your Aunt Charissa I would, here is a sample of some of the things that make us laugh. Along with dancing, your Aunt Cilla likes writing. So I take notes of things people say sometimes. Here is some of the random, quirky, sarcastic and dry things your family says. Believe me, it's better in person.

(Charissa) “I love boundaries. I’m such a three year old. Boundaries are Great!” 

(Me) “You filmed? I’m proud of you!” 

(Charissa) “Thanks...there may have been 30 seconds when I forgot to open the cover” 

(Me) “Didn’t you notice it was black?” 

(Charissa)”I thought it was the sun”

(Charissa) “Sarah! What’s your guessies for your prezzies?” 

(Lydia) “Our freezer is full of oats. We’ll use them for sandbags in case of a flood.”

(Sarah)“I thought horses sleep standing up.” 

(Lydia) “They do unless it’s cold, then I think they sleep lying down because they wish they were dead.”

(Glenn - talking about their future daughter) “Basically we want her (Lydia’s) internal organs and my physique.” 

“You really like that fritto cheese dip that comes in the can?” - Me

“Yep, little can of heaven.” - Glenn

(Sarah) “Wasn’t Benjamin a disciple?”

(Pam) “No, he was joseph’s brother.” 

(Sarah) “Eh - same thing.” 

(Lydia) “I was teaching her vowel sounds durning her wiggle time. I’m all in to your child’s development.” 

(Glenn) “I don’t match tones (vocal tones)....others match their tones to me.”

(Lydia, after seeing Dad's victory dance) “That’s how dad’s gonna go. A heart attack at 92 doing that.” 

(Bo) “Alright...New Years. Callie will be gone and Glenn will be the center of attention.”

(Lydia to Glenn) “I am sorry your team lost. I want you to achieve, as I did.” 

(Charissa) “Because when nothing else cuts...you go for the blue.” - Charissa

(Me) “What...?”

(Charissa) “I’m doing a commercial for my jacket.” 

(Charissa)“Selfish!” 

(Sarah) “Who?”

(Charissa) “The rest of Andrews. They ate all the peppermint ice cream.” 

(Liz reading the subtitles that keep saying, “Soldiers speaking indistinctly”) “These soldiers need to learn to speak more distinctly.”

(Charissa)“If Mom told you she was pregnant right now, what would be your response?” 

(Bo) “I’d change my name to Abraham.”

(Mom) “Bo, you look so cute.”

(Dad) “What?”

(Me - Louder) “You look cute Dad.” 

(Dad) “Uh -that’s my goal.” 

(Lydia) “You should have visited them.” 

(Mom) “We had no money.”

(Lydia) “Credit cards. Sell a kidney.” 

(Lydia) “I did crush some boy’s hearts. But not Glenn! I lift Glenn’s up so it can fly.”

Callie, you are precious, and I'm already so proud of you. I am so excited to watch you grow and see how you participate and add to our family. 

Sometimes your aunts are terrible at filming. So the only record I have
of myself at events is the classic mirror shot. Someday they will learn to
open the lens cover.

Hold Your Out Your Hand

My sister Charissa

Over the holidays I heard my sister Charissa say more than once, “I’m holding it loosely.” 

She used this to refer to her clothes, her car, any one of her belongings. 

I never got the chance to really ask her about this, but from the manner in which she spoke I gathered it was something that God was teaching her. 

That phrase has stuck with me. It comes into my head when I look through my room at the clothes, books, and belongings that I have amassed. It comes into my head when I look my bank account. I think of it when I look at my time and try to put a value on it. It comes to mind when I see the different plans for my future start to roll through my head. 

Tonight, it came into my head again as I measured my life against the standard that the world expects of me. As I held those two lives up to the light and saw the checklist of things I need to do to be considered a responsible adult (i.e have a steady bank account, car, plan etc) I wondered if I should cut out things like weekend road-trips and buying art supplies to more quickly achieve this goal. Then the image of an open palm came into my head.

I have no guarantee of anything. Not one millisecond into my future is guaranteed, so why live in any time other than right now?

I don’t think planning is wrong. There are plenty of things in life that require planning, but if I live my life in the present, living to the fullest where God put me and trusting His plan, then I have to trust it fully. Somehow we, or at least I, get the idea that we need to worry about the details. Like God will tell us to move somewhere, but not give us time to make the proper preparations. Now, granted, maybe God’s preparations look different than our own, but they are still accounted for. 

Tonight I tentatively stated to myself that I need to hold everything loosely. Then, as I normally do, I began to argue with myself. What about God? Don’t I need to hold everything loosely, but God? Don’t I need to hold on to God with all my might?

What if God saw fit to move me like this?
In real life - this would be drastic, but so exciting!

No. And the reason is in the question. “my might”.

I can not, nor will anyone ever be able to hold God. God is so far above. He is infinite, transcendent, self-sufficient, self-existent. He never changes. I willnot, I do not,  I can not hold God.

God holds me. He pursues me. He fills me. When I hold my life in an open hand, and relax, God can more easily move me. When I build my life not on the expectation of the fulfillment of my plans, but on the expectation of the fulfillment of God’s promises, I can not be disappointed. When I find joy, not in expectations put on the people around me, but in the expectation of God’s character, I can never be hurt. 

Now, I am human. I will never be able to purely rest on God. My flesh will bring in challenges. I will feel the emotion of disappointment, and hurt. I will be sad. I will be frustrated, I will be angry, but if I practice living life with an open palm, how quickly will the power of God whisk those emotions away?

So I will live open. I leave room for God to move. I will strive to quiet the checklist of the world and listen for the prodding and movement of the Spirit. Because that is where I find joy, and peace. That is what I crave. That is where I belong. That is where I find home.