It's About How You Fail

Have you ever watched a child fall and get so flustered that they fall while getting up again. Unless someone else steps in, you can watch someone fall, get up, fall, get up, until they decide that its no use, and just stay down.

All summer I teach climbing. I don't climb much, but I've taught it for three years now. The near sure sign of defeat for a kid on a wall is when they start jumping and grabbing frantically. When they panic and start grabbing for hand holds they will inevitably knock their feet off, then their hand will suddenly have their body weight (not all of it because we being the supportive belayers we are, are holding about half) and then their hand slips off. After three or four rounds of this they will slump into the harness, grab the rope, and ask to come down.

Today I heard a song by a band I had never heard of, Beautiful Mistake. It was called "Circular Parade". One of the lines (yeah - the only one I understood) says this:

"I've brought you here, You're in my circular parade of failure...Run away!"

That song had such a hopeless desperation.

I think in stories. We've established this. In that one line I heard his story and it looked like that kid trying to climb the wall.

We fail. We panic and throw ourselves into trying again. We fail.

Now, it needs to be clarified that I don't use the word fail lightly. I don't mean I got a C in class, or lost my keys.

I mean failing God. Because when that happens I let down a lot of my family and friends on top of God. Epic fail.

I have found that when I mess up, when I fail God, I recoil. I get upset. I get panicky and resolute against doing it again then I fail in the same way, quickly. What gives?

What are we left to do?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:1-2

Lay aside.

Remember Newton. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

When we panic and fling things away, they bounce back.

In life its the same way. If we panic and act on the emotion of guilt and shame, then the same problem will sneak its way back.

We lay it aside. We take a minute to surrender, not fling. Give it over to God and run with Him.

But anyone who has walked with Jesus for any stretch of time will tell you, we walk with Him and we still fail. We're still going to have certain things that grab us and pull us toward failure. Temptation. Struggles. Crutches. We going to feel the burn of failure. And yet He is going to still be with us, ready to take it from us when we surrender and cover us in grace to restore our hearts.

Thanks God.

Just remember - don't panic.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

"Be still and now that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

The New Year - in July

I was driving down the road and I realized that my head was thinking of preparing for a new year. It's July. For those who are not feeling quick on the calendar today that is seven months too late.

There are a couple reasons why this is. Number one, school is a big deal at this point in life and I'm about to start a new year - correction my last year (for a few years at least), so because of that I have in my mind a new thing starting.

Second and biggest - camp. I adore Strong Rock Camp. This was my fourth year and if I'm honest I gave more to this summer than any before. That's more of myself to God and then camp so at the end of the sessions I was literally dead of myself. But in between kids, naps, food, running, playing, resting, and collapsing there were moments. Rather there were people who defined moments and there is no way I could remember all of them, but I want to write down a few.

Bekah

I guess I'll start with Bekah. She was my co- counselor. This is a cool story, because I had been co-counselors with Lauren for the past two summers (well one and a half - Taylor Hall was the with me for three weeks and she was AWESOME, but the cabins needed to be shuffled and I ended up back with Lau-Lau).

Lauren

I was terrified of being with Rebekah in a cabin. All I knew about her was that she was loud and dramatic and I couldn't see how we would work well together. Lauren is not loud or dramatic and we had been fantastic and never had a problem so I couldn't fathom working with anyone else. Then I got put with Bekah. For whatever reason God made me super emotional that night and I was really upset by an outside issue and had to leave as soon as the counselor assignment meeting had finished, to go cry. Beks came and found me and I managed to choke out it wasn't about her, which was true. So she brushed it off, but not by leaving, by wrapping her arms around me in a big hug and praying to Jesus. I just started smiling. While she was praying I felt an indescribable peace wash over me. God used my weakened emotional state to get me out of my own selfish ways and see how awesome Rebekah was. She finished praying and we sat and talked for a minute about what direction we wanted to take our cabin this summer and our visions were so similar. All summer that unity was reflected, we had not one single, minuscule, minute issue. Ever. 

Early on in the summer I established how much I love spirit. Which is probably why this picture just makes my day.

Look at my boys. That's my tribe (two of them) breaking it down on spirit. I BELIEVE THAT WE CAN WIN! My tribe (Awahili blue) made me so proud all summer. Owen bringing his cheers, Andrew, Dani, Ben, Angela, and Whitney writing those songs, Michael and his "If you ain't crazy you look stupid speech", and Mater and Eli, just being there wherever we needed, carrying the flag, getting spirited, helping organize, standing in for missing counselors. We were successful this summer because of you all. Thanks.

On that same note the Waya's blew me away. I mean, leap frog? That happened. Lucas, your spirit in everything? Inspirational. Aaron, your ability to shout about wolves always made me proud, you've got some lungs on you. Garrett, you've got a mean cartwheel. Rachel, you can spell W-A-Y-A with pride and it made me want to sing along with you. Beks! You must be joking! (No I'm not being mean people - its a cheer) Alex, your paint won awards. The amount you gave to the red and black, crazy! Meagan, you and Aaron had the tough job of being the only returning Waya, you trained the tribe in the ways impressively well. Taylor, bringing the Old Testament prophets? There are hardly words.

When we weren't being ridiculous with spirit, we were dressing up crazy, for usually no apparent reason.

 Then there were classes. I guest appeared in a couple of random classes, but there were two specific ones I got to plan lessons for and figure out. One was Archery.

I taught a lot with Meagan and Angela. I loved these girls. They gave me confidence. I get protective of classes I love (i.e. Archery), but I knew they could handle it (i.e. give kids a good time, keep things moving and keep them safe). There was one other girl who gave me the same confidence, but she also blessed me in Climbing just the same so she gets a picture there.

WHITNEY! She beast-ed archery and climbing. For real, I do not climb, but I've taught it for three years with the fabulous Sara Walcott, (Who was a program director and not in many pictures this summer, but I adore her and she beast-ed her new job) and then this year I got to be one of the leads, with this lady and this kid, Aaron Hunter. Both of these people made my day as I got weary of climbing because we would throw around lead teaching depending on the day because we could all do it and that makes a big difference at camp. Love you two!

Then for the last half of the summer I got to add a really random class that I loved! With Aaron and Zack. Guess what it was? FISHING! I know, who knew? I could find a picture of Zack fishing, but here he is posing. I had so much fun with the boys, teaching a class that I picked up on along with the kids, but now I know significantly more about bass fishing and about rods. Cause I got to attach hooks, weights, bait, and bobbers.

And now I have a section of specific stories for pictures.

This is Garrett, camp name Blurt. He is in a tree. A few minutes before this picture I was walking in the woods during Sock War, looking for the Waya flag. Then a sock hit me. I turned around and another sock hit me and there was Sammie (nicest, sweetest, most friendly person ever with a fantastic smile) grinning at me. I told her that she didn't need to hit me twice cause I wasn't a general and she looked confused and said she just hit me once. I looked around and eventually looked up and saw this boy grinning at me. I got just had to laugh. Sammie didn't know he was up there either. I was super impressed. He hit me on the first try too. I tossed him an extra sock up there and headed to field to be counted out.

While we're talking about Sock War lets talk about this picture. This summer I discovered that I have like no competitiveness and its getting less every year (Please note the contrast of meekness with Owen's beastliness). So I was happy when I discovered that I could walk around during Sock War and most people would be okay and believe me if I said I wasn't going to hit them. So I found myself sitting on the top of the archery hill watching one of the most epic Sock War battles ever. Behind me were Taylor (Ops) and a couple campers hiding in the brush. I hadn't seen them when I sat down, but I am so un-intimidating they didn't bother to hit me. They accepted my lack of competitiveness quickly and took it so much to heart that when the rest of the tribe on the field saw me and yelled for someone to get me out one dear little girl stood up and screamed at the top of her lungs. "You get her out I get you out! She has NO PURPOSE!!!" I just had to turn around and laugh, because she was being so sweet and didn't realize what she was saying exactly. Taylor's head was hanging and shaking back and forth. Its all you can do and remain and encouraging counselor. I said "Thank you" and we moved on.

Now these two. Taylor and Owen from the last story. I love these two. At the start of the summer they had the job that started my time at Strong Rock and they put me to shame every day. They smiled and laughed and served and got along. That's a big one in the kitchen. They got along so well that while I worked retreats with Owen he more than once would get a text from Taylor or have a memory and just smile a sad little smile in remembrance. They worked with each other and helped each other when the job made them want to slap someone. I appreciate you two, more than words can express.

Acrobatics seemed to be a returning theme this year. One could credit the start of that to the weekend after second second and the formation of a little group called SMACKS (So Many Awesome Crackas Keeping Score - T.Wade made that up on the spot, but he did it with confidence so people accepted that we planned it). This was Jill, Bekah, Taylor, Andrew and I.  We were skilled, and almost quit camp to go on the road.

 Okay, so we laughed and fell, more than actually feats. In the picture on the top we had a tower going. Normally I was the spotter, at this point I am actually more on foot protection control. As in keeping Jill's feet off of Taylor's head. Then we fell and Jill was under the table, Bekah is all but disappeared, Andrew looks unconscious, but the good news is there is no feet on Taylor's head. Success. Hahaha - in reality there were some impressive moments, but a lot of them missed the camera. But we know. SMACKS forever. (Note my co-co's bag in the first picture).

Now that we're talking about Jill. We can talk about our adventure. For our second session the youngest two cabins were going on camp out and Jill's HERO II girls were coming to help. Jill and I were the only girls able to build a fire so we went up early. We got a little way off and heard the thunder, but pressed on. We of course did not bring a radio. We kept chatting and collecting sticks and building the fire as the sky got darker and the thunder got louder. Then I went to light the match and four matches in the wind had blew out every one. I looked at Jill as the thunder cracked over us and we said almost together, "I think its time to go." We threw the fire supplies in our bags shouldered them and walked with purpose towards the trail. We were thirty feet down and heard the rain and ran. We ran as fast as we could out of the woods down the side of the pasture towards the barn. The wind was blowing so hard my left side was totally dry, but my right side was soaked. As hoped I found the barn's radio in the tack room and checked in. Dear James came and got us and we headed back to change and join the party in the gym, where we "camped". 

Finally, we'll end (for now) with this picture and story, because I could tie it in earlier. This is Aaron. Aaron is my brother. Not really, but so many campers believe it. I like this picture because he's got his shoving arm out (typical) and I'm shaking the "No-no" finger (typical). Somehow last year we got started telling campers we were brother and sister and we brought it back this year. I had one group of campers ready to get in fights defending that so I had to tell them that he was actually just my brother in Christ. Another group when I said, he and Peter (my little brother - or rather Aaron's), weren't my real brother's actually wanted to argue it. They straight up told me, "No, they're your brothers!" Aaron and Peter I love ya'll. The end.

 I'm ending with some random pictures that just made me smile.

There are countless more pictures, videos (Shouldn't have driven off and left me and Owen, with your phone. You know who you are) and memories. I'm sure random ones will pop up throughout the year, because my year has been made by summer for four years now and this summer was no different. There is a huge section of my heart to each one of the people I had the privilege of knowing this summer of 2011. I adore you, all of you, for the rest of your lives till we're all having a...."PARTY WITH JESUS! (doo doo, doo doo doo do).

History Books Recall Me As...

So today is my day off from camp. We are in a two week session right now and either its against the law to work us 13 days straight or they fear our sanity, but we all get one day off between Wednesdays. Its been lovely thus far, I bought a yellow dress and made some pad thai and watched my friend spend over half an hour trying to figure out his water filter - and now he's pulling out knives with 8 inch blades.

Promising.

Now I am writing and it feels wonderful.

The more often I write the more often topics come to me. I find myself have random thoughts come into my head and start forming them into blog post. This one is expanding on undoubtedly my favorite topic of the semester, our stories. ("The ______ Story", "A Thought"). This thought started last weekend, or rather two weekends ago. My brain is on camp time.

I was riding with the same friend who has now moved on to figuring out his headphones (with extension he refused to ask the Best Buy people about) - starting the clock.

Sidebar. I do not currently have a car so shout out to the that friend who is super gracious and awesome about giving me rides. I cannot express my appreciation in anything beyond thank you (especially for the non-100 mile, 100 mile trip - you do over-exaggerate)

Anyway, we were talking about something I can't rightly recall, but he mentioned a past a acquaintance as the someone who "destroyed" him. That got me thinking about people in our past and the labels we give them. Some of them are basic, "my old teacher", "my ex-girlfriend", and some are awesome, "my greatest mentor" or "my favorite babysitter", and some are ones that no one wants to be ever, "the person who ruined my life" or "the one who destroyed me". It makes me wonder what labels I've left in peoples life and what labels I'm leaving now. Thus far in the year I have rocked the roles of: granddaughter, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, friend, employee, babysitter, student, counselor, teacher, peer, subordinate, leader, customer, member, passenger, lawbreaker (failure to reduce me speed. Yeah - good times) and so many others I don't have the brain power to recall, but you get the idea. Over half of those could occur in a single day to multiple people ( count the interactions that could occur in the first paragraph of "Reflections..."). Its almost frightening to imagine the vast array of labels that could be bestowed upon me.

My expansion on this thought occurred during Lifeline (evening devotions at my camp). My director was talking about what we can be known for (our pure and upright conduct) and he was asking the kids about some famous people they know of and why, then he said that he knows he will never do anything famous enough to get written into the history books. I almost jumped and asked "Who's history book?". In that split second of saying he wasn't going in any history books, my boss was already written into the history books of the 100 sets of ears that were listening to him. One hundred different history books, at one time, in one moment. I don't need to be in the books that are taught in school. I'm already in so many books, and I pray in a good way.

My third expansion on history books came just now.

If I am written into history books, do I really want that? It seems simple, but if I honestly believe that everything good in me is from God, doesn't that mean that I should want to disappear and leave only Him. It's the John 3:30 principle, "He must increase and I must decrease". If I desire God, I desire to disappear into the shadow of a greater good, a greater Love, a greater God.

Lord, I am in awe that You allow me to be Your hands and feet, Your ambassador. Continue to humble me. Continue to make myself disappear, leave only You. 

Final sidebar. The head phones took ten minutes to get straight. Bravo my friend.