Humility Topos

I like this picture - and its raining out. 

The humility topos is a element of different writing styles that we have been studying in my English class this semester. It is characterized by the writer's claims to a certain degree of incompetency on their subject and the purpose is to further themselves in said subject.

This is not humility.

Today I discovered that God has been teaching me about humility. I say that I discovered I was being taught because today God drew a line connecting lots of random observations from the past month, or rather even the past three years. Here is what I've learned.

First let me tell you a little something about the canvas God was painting this truth on (i.e. - me). I have always had a built in confidence and self-esteem that got me through the 'insecure' middle and high school years with minimal damage. It also prevented me from seeing my own arrogance. I do not believe that this arrogance often came to the surface in a way readily recognizable by people around me, but I know it was inside me. I struggled with the idea of humility because it always seemed to be just a lack of confidence, so my life up till recently I believe was largely characterized by a humility topos. I practiced it, but I did not feel it.

I think I can credit my experiences at Strong Rock Camp to starting my endeavor into examining my own humility. I remember distinctly, my second year going back, I had a phone interview with James. I was sitting in the parking lot of the cultural arts center where we practiced a play I was the stage manager for. I remember him asking me about my strengths and weaknesses. I gave him some of what I perceived to be strengths and then blanked on weaknesses. I don't know what I had told him my first summer, or even if he had asked that question, but I'm pretty sure up until that point I had this list in my back pocket of weaknesses because I knew I was supposed to. At that moment though, staring out at the empty gravel lot next door, God shattered my list. I don't remember the answer I gave James at that moment, I may have even recalled some of the former list, but at that moment I stopped believing it.

This was something was occasionally poked and prodded at in my head and heart for the next two years, then this summer God completely leveled me. Pretty much anything I've written in the months of June, July, or August will tell you more about this, but to sum up after three summers getting to know camp and how it runs I was absolutely terrified going into first session because over the course of staff week God just stripped away all pretenses that I could do this job. All summer, and it was the greatest I've had as far as personal growth and I believe my performance as a member of the team and family that is staff (though not without some major flaws) I knew that all the good that I did, was God.

Flash forward again to these past few weeks. I believe I mentioned in one of the last few posts how exceedingly grateful I am that God's voice is not quiet at this time in my life. Not that He is all the time speaking about big life plans (though he's totally weighed in heavy) but that in every day life He has had the grace to teach me. His spirit has called my flesh into check multiple times and that, in and of itself, has been so humbling. Recently he has been stopping me more and more from making life about me. Sometimes this is calling me out when I start to feel superior, sometimes this is calling me out when I start to play the victim, sometimes its just calling me out when I need more patience and love, even I'm not feeling it.

Last night a new, but dear friend spoke for BCM about things that she has learned from God over the course of her years at college. One of the first things she spoke about was how she learned and still is learning the importance of giving your plans to God. Suddenly I started feeling smug that this was something that I have hardly ever struggled with, but praise Jesus, the spirit almost immediately spoke up, reminding me that I was in no way superior and to just forget about myself and listen. He gave me the strength and ability to do so and I discovered that yes, I have a better grasp on the concept of giving my plans to God than most people my age that I've spoken with, but guess what else? They have a much better grasp on so many other concepts like living radical for Jesus, or how to study His word. I learned that from the speaker last night.

So jump up to riding in the car today. About half the time I do this, I don't have music, so I often end up reflecting on my life, which is why so much of my writing starts with, "Today as I drove home." I began to reflect on Humility. It was then that I realized how much God had been slowly teaching me, and this may sound incredibly obvious to most of you, or even all of you, but I learned today, really learned in my heart so that it is now a part of me, not just a knowledge, that humility is not a lack of confidence. I have confidence in my relationship with God and His leading in my life, that's not wrong. What's wrong is assuming that makes me more mature than those around me. We learn things at different times. The concept that I am more mature in is the same one my brother or sister may be just learning, and the concept they have been living for years, is one that I've barely beginning to brush.

Humility, for me, is living in the confidence that God gave me strengths to and weaknesses and then placed me with people who will benefit from the one and strengthen the other. The important part of that is, is that its not me doing it. My strengths are a gift, and my weaknesses are a gift. Strengths are the tools that I use to help people and weaknesses are the reminders that I fail without God. I adore my weaknesses because when I know I am weak in something and succeed anyway - I know that it was God working through me to accomplish it. And that is humbling beyond words.

Another important aspect of humility I have learned is just a basic attitude of gratitude. I have recently been been looking back on my life and been so grateful for the experiences I've had, and the places I've been put, and the people that surround me. I could literally write a book on it. The family I was given, more-so the parents I have, that have shaped my family. They are amazing and huge reason they are is my whole life I heard honestly that their successes in life were from God working and their failures were when they tried to take the wheel. Honestly, imagine being six years old and having your mom come apologize for getting angry and tell you that God has been teaching her a lot about controlling her temper. I remember that, more than once. To be surrounded by those role models who throughout the years of parenting became better and better, by their own concession, because of God's work in their lives. I am floored by the gift of my parents.

Camp has had a huge affect on me too. Not just Strong Rock, but Snowbird, the camp in my hometown. I never worked there, or attended as a camper, but I spent a significant amount of time in that environment. It was when I first began hungering for a relationship with God. I would go to services and visibly see the light of Christ in the faces of the staff. They were younger people that I would have looked up too anyway, but to have them be so obviously in love with Jesus, it made me begin a search for my own faith, not my family's. One reason that I am floored by the gift of getting to work at Strong Rock is that I have the opportunity to influence lives in that way and I know it doesn't take fancy words or intense heart to heart conversations. I believe that I have never had more than a passing conversation with  most of the people I so admired, but their impact on my life was huge.

Not just this, but the combined radical honesty of Snowbird and my parents made me, at an early age, very comfortable with the concepts of a life completely sold out to Jesus. For the leaders of Snowbird and the leaders of my family lukewarm faith was not an option. They never spoke to make you feel good - they spoke to tear apart any false conceptions I might have about Christianity and broke it down to moment by moment decision to follow God, not just a prayer and a dunking under water.

None of those things were by any stretch of the imagination me, or in my control. I am literally, eternally grateful for them, and I can honestly say that I am humbled so much because of these overview aspects of shaping me (there are million more - believe me) into who I am.

Therefore I will say, with great excitement, that God is teaching me.

And now I am floored and humbled again, because the God of the freaking universe cares enough to teach me.

Pardon the somewhat tacky pictures of this video, but please listen to the song. It is my song for this lesson.

Amazing Grace

Tonight a girl from my dance class last semester sat in front of thirty people and shared her heart for Jesus.

This rocked my world.

Everyone of those thirty people I want to know more, because they are my brothers and sisters. The body of Christ is the most amazing grace. All I can do is stand in awe.

A girl I met Tuesday told me about the gathering tonight. Correction 30 seconds after she met me, she told me that she believed this was something I would love.

30 seconds.

This meeting tonight was one of the biggest desires of my heart, answered.

Not only was this meeting amazing for the sheer fact that a group of college students meets in an old house on a street that is usually home to drugs and parties and just worships Jesus with abandon and talks real about Him, but what was specifically said tonight, by that girl from my dance class perfectly added to the post from yesterday*.

The first thing said (discussion based on 1 John 4:19) that we don't love people, we let God love us and the overflow of that is what is given to others.

That perfectly embodies what God wants me to do for my kids. I know it.

The second thing said was that Satan's favorite thing to do was take away our memory. Two things about this. One: In only three months I had nearly forgotten everything God had taught me this summer. Two: My faith is based on a relationship with Jesus. Relationships are based on experiences. What better way for Satan to destroy my faith than take away my memories of God's work.

Praise the Lord He pursues me hard enough to conquer that.

This song is the song of my heart right now. Listen, and let it wash over you. (Thanks Angela for the CD)




*It was brought to my attention that in yesterday's post, my "manifesto" might have been misconstrued to discount the awesomeness of Strong Rock Camp. I do not at all. When I said camp was just building and shells of souls, I meant the institution of Strong Rock, not Strong Rock itself. My heart was to say that, that camp could happen anywhere, with any resources and still be just as amazing because God is at the heart, much like my life. I am in no way discounting the way God has blessed that camp with some of the most amazing buildings and people to work it. I apologize if it was taken any other way. 

Year-Round Camp

This past summer, one of the biggest things I learned was the significance that everything I have, and am, that is truly good has come directly from God, even more, God working through me. It was wonderful, but it is one thing I have since been trying to forget.

"Trying" not in the sense that I am consciously putting it out of my mind, "trying" as in I have let it disappear.

Camp is a huge element of my existence. The two components of camp I love the most are the community of brothers and sisters that surround me there, and that every morning you wake up with a pressing knowledge that you will not survive the day without Jesus. But here's the thing, I seem to have left that at camp.

I think what God is teaching me this semester is that "camp" is not bound to camp. Camp should be year round.

I have always admired my sister-in-law for the fact that she is very honest that she does not survive without time with Jesus each day. I aspire to have that yearning. I want to collapse without Him.

This week God's grace has addressed two things,  and wouldn't you know? They are the same things I love about camp. Community and need.

Community.

Last night, through no plan of my own, I had an amazing night at my school's BCM meeting, simply because I had the opportunity and privilege to begin and build on several relationships with my brothers and sisters in Greensboro. It reminded me of the fellowship of camp. There were several moments of instantaneous connection. As I was driving a newly acquainted brother back to his apartment he asked me how long I had known the two girls that had been in the car moments before. I told him two weeks. He was shocked because we had seemed so close. The only response I had was, "That's the power of Jesus."

I have been crediting camp with creating those instant bonds of friendship. Camp doesn't do that, God does. What camp does is mercifully eliminate so many distractions that keep us from seeing that.

Need.

A biggest motivation I had in pursuing dependence on God this summer was the realization that I had been charged with caring for and leading so many impressionable children. I don't know how people do that without God. There are so many things to do wrong that we don't even think about. My head counselors, program directors, and directors over my three years in the cabin have been amazing at helping me see areas I need to work in and God has been amazing and making me see I can't work on them, I can only give them to Him.

This year I am a part-time nanny, regular babysitter (there's a difference), and a Sunday School teacher. I feel strongly that God has placed me with the family I nanny for, for a purpose. Up until today, I had selfishly thought it was because they needed character traits that I have (still true, but those traits are only there because of Jesus). Today I realized I need them. These kids are amazing, but they challenge me. Not my authority ( or very rarely), but we don't have an instant connection. We struggle to understand each other, and to communicate well. My youngest is constantly pushing boundaries to see where I let her cross. Today I realized that I am with this family for a lot of purposes, but the one I have been ignoring is that I need them. I will never be able to do real good for these kids without Jesus. He created everything about them that I can't see, everything about them I don't understand, everything about them that they hide. I am running blind without Him.

God has used kids to teach me so much throughout my life. Not just things like listening, and patience, but things about me. One big one is that I have yet to find a mountain that I do not want to move for the sake of a child. Any child. Children are the most amazing, fascinating, and awe-inspiring gifts God ever made and its terrifying. A child is a developing adult. Things they experience under my care, influence their entire lives. I can never ever make light of that. Which is why the knowledge that I am in charge of a child often shows me see a slew of my problems.

Both of these aspects that I cherish about camp, and long for when I'm not there are things that do not make up my relationship with God, but rather are the most effective tools for getting me to see the half life I live without Him, and Jesus knows it, and I can not thank the Lord enough that He does.

Camp is still one of the most amazing experiences and times of my life, but I think I need to learn know how to make it year round. Not just the fellowship with the staff, but energy, the fervor, the love, that I have experienced for the past three summers. There is no doubt that when I am at camp I am at a all time high, in every aspect of my life, but I need to be dependent on God alone. So her is my final manifesto:

     
  Dear Strong Camp - I adore you. God has used you in countless ways in my life and quite clearly still does. I will, Lord willing see you next summer (#5!!!) and I will adore it, but I refuse to be dependent on you anymore. You are just buildings and earth and shells of souls. You are dead without God and God is everywhere. God brings you alive with His Spirit, and His Body, my brothers and sisters; therefore, I am resigning you to just a place. I am sorry, but the role of state of being will now be given to God so I can live the life I love at camp all the time. I think it is for the best. Take heart in knowing that you are one of the dearest, funnest, places ever! But a place nonetheless. I am confident that this will only better our relationship, so take heart. See you in May!!!
                                               Love,
                                                    Me.


"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:20-21

Love/Hate

To the people I love so much.

I hate...

1. The way you refuse to see how blessed your life is.
2. The way you make everything a huge deal.
3. The way you don't realize that there are times and places for certain behavior.
4. The way you buy the lies of the god of the age.
5. The way you hate yourself. Got that? Its a big one for me - 

I HATE the way you CAN'T SEE your BEAUTIFUL AWESOMENESS all the time. Inside and out. Because I see it. 

I love...

1. How excited you get about the bible. Its contagious.
2. How you care so much for everyone, especially those most don't think worth caring for.
3. When you smile and your entire face lights up.
4. How every time I see you, you act like its been twelve years.
5. The way you have grown so strong and so beautiful.
6. How involved you get in everything - nothing is halfway.
7. How distracted you get so easily.
8. The way you get along with everyone, and make us all feel special and loved.
9. The way you come up with ridiculous stuff on the spot.
10. The way you dream big - and have the drive to follow through.
11. The way you never settle.
12. Holding you in my arms. 
13. The way you will do so much for people.
14. How protective you are.
15. The leader you have become.
16. The way you have become my family.
17. The way you say my name.
18. How utterly talented you are. 
19. The way the simplest things absolutely make your day.
20. The way you ask, "How are you?" and I know you absolutely care about the answer.
21. The way you never stop smiling.
22. The way you love other people.
23. How you make me laugh.
24. The way you are "mean" to me.
25. How we are still friends though we have only hung out once in the past three years.
26. The way you look at my face and know my opinion with 95% accuracy. 
27. The way you have so much seemingly useless knowledge.
28. Your laugh.
29. Your hug.
30. Your honesty.

I could go on - and on - and on. People are my absolute favorite part of my life. They are my home, hate or love, but always love. 

One Moment

For she said, 'I will go after my lovers,

   who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.

'Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths. She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them,and she shall seek them but shall not find them. 

Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.'And she did not know that it was for it was better for me then than now.

'And she did not know that it was I who gave her  the grain, the wine, and the oil,and who lavished on the grain, the wine, and the oil,and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal.   

Today I drove through an intersection, the one at Spring Garden and Chapman. Every time I drive through that intersection I can't help but think one thought, "What did I really gain from turning left?".

No, its not a metaphor for my political position. Last April 1, I came up on that intersection and was too impatient to wait for the cars in front of me to go straight through the light, so I turned left. 12 seconds later I no longer had a car. I was no longer going to camp that afternoon. I was deeper in debt to my parents. I lost my independence to drive wherever I needed. I lost one stable thing in my life. All because I didn't want to wait for the light?

I ask that question, but I don't believe it true. I believe firmly in the sovereignty of God. So I don't get too caught up in the "what if?" element of that experience in life, or any experience.

This summer at camp, our theme was "Pure" and one of the talks that James gave was about the refiner. The process of purifying gold consists of boiling it, burning it in the hottest fire until the impurities are either burned away or float to the surface. Reflecting on these past few months, that decision to turn left and the subsequent consequences were a catalyst.

All the growing that I have done have come out of a realization of my inadequacy. That started when I failed at braking my car fast enough. And failed at making enough money to fix it. And failed to fullfil what I committed to at camp that weekend.

I fail. Failure is not desirable, its not something to aspire to, but it is acceptable. The moment you stop accepting your failure is the moment you get stuck in an endless cycle of it.

Therefore, I will say this. From turning left I gained inordinate amounts of humility. I gained inordinate amounts of Grace. I gained an increase awareness of my inability and ergo and increased awareness of God's. I'm going to stop there, because that is the crowning point.

An increased awareness of God. 

You Have a Heartbeat and I Miss It

I express myself physically. If I am happy I want to hug something. If I am mad I want to punch something. 

My mom always called me a tactile person, this means I want to touch everything. For example, when I read books I do it best by running my fingers across the page. This does not keep my spot or help me follow words, it just helps my brain focus more on the words. 

This summer I found that if I was talking to someone I would put my hand on their shoulder. If I was walking next to them I wanted to link arms with them or grab their hand. If I greet you or leave you, I’m likely going to want to give you a high five or a hug.  If I pass you in the road a high five will be attempted. Depending on how well I know someone I will kiss their heads, rest my head on their shoulder, or just bear hug them, (don’t be intimidated this takes a long time, except in camp environment because everything about friendships goes in hyper speed there. The point being that now, as I am transitioning between three different locations (camp, home and school) I am realizing how I miss people. I miss the way they feel.

One of my friends was trying to sell me on a depressing movie he feels I need to watch by telling me to listen to the story because it “has a heartbeat”. Needless to say I was sold just on impressive wording. I also informed him that I would most likely use that phrase in a blog posting. Ha. Told ya. 

If depressing movies have a heartbeat then friendships definitely do. When you get to know someone and you hang around them, you develop a heartbeat. An unstated rhythm that guides your actions. You know where you stand next to that person to accommodate their personal space. You know how to greet them (high five, side hug, bear hug etc) and how to say goodbye. You know when to its okay to link arms in a jig or trust fall on them (Dani!). You learn the most comfortable spot for your head to rest on a shoulder, and which way to sit next to them on a couch (30 some staff - one sofa, one love seat, and one recliner - you do the math).

 For each person and each unique heartbeat there is a unique feeling of home. It’s not the same with every person, but for every person I know there is a section of my heart that comes home every time I can be near those people again.

 As I move away from the people that I love and invest so much in, I find my heart aching for the rhythm of our friendship’s heartbeat. Its something that you can’t pass through a text message or convey over Skype. Its the reason I could never work with computers, or be a hermit. Its the way God made me and I have to rest in the knowledge that when I see these people again the joy and peace of being home will make up for the empty ache of being apart. Above all else I am thankful for the beautiful heartbeats of each friendship I have been given, they are irreplaceable and a constant joy in my life. 

Thank you. 

One Foot At a Time

What's something you depend on a lot? Food, water, family, technology.

How about light?

It could be just me, but I think light is one of the greatest, yet most forgotten dependencies. For example, what's everyones biggest fear? Dark. (i.e. - no LIGHT!)

I used to think it made sense. If God was light, then darkness must be evil. Here's the dilly though - God created darkness and light (Genesis 1). In my understanding of God, He cannot create evil. It'd be a contradiction. Now my thinking is - darkness happens.

Have you ever walked in the dark? Without any flashlight, cell phone, candle or whatever you would use? It can be intimidating, especially when its unfamiliar ground. For example, the other night I went to my friends house to get my sock.  I had to ask Aaron to back the car I was driving out of the driveway because unfamiliar car, plus unfamiliar driveway at 10 o'clock at night made me nervous. He wasn't feeling great so he moved it before I was ready to leave. I finished catching up with Peter, then decided to leave. I was apparently a tad tired because some non-sensical things had come out of my mouth already that did not necessarily inspire confidence in my abilities. As I opened the door to leave, our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Alright, see you...whew! its dark out. I hope I can find my car."
Peter: "Do you need me to walk you to your car?"
Me: "Mmmm...nah. I'll find it around here somewhere. Oh! there's a step here."
Peter: "And you're sure you'll be okay?"
Me: "Yeah! - Does your driveway go this direction?"
Peter: (Long look, shaking his head, then comes out to lead the way - bless his heart)

Okay, it was really dark. I had to follow Peter with my hand on his shoulder so I wouldn't lose him. I asked him how he could see and he told me, "I can't, but I know the driveway." (We found the car without one misstep - on Peter's end)

Earlier I said, "Darkness happens." I didn't just mean approximately every 12 hours half the earth goes dark, I meant it happens in life.

Raise your hand and shout "Amen" if you ever felt like you were sitting in the dark. Sure every morning you get up, eat, breathe, you may have a job, or school, but everything around you is dark.

You can't find a point to your actions, or purpose to your being. That "light at the end of the tunnel" isn't getting closer, because you can't see it. You can't find the strength to get up and go looking.

What do we do with that?

I read a book in which a character was going through a tough time. She ended up looking at Psalm 23, which most of us can recite at least in part. You know it, "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want." Then there is the part, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." You can't get much darker than that. The valley of the shadow of death. But that's not what I'm pointing out. I'm pointing out the word, "walk".  That is an action, a verb. It requires doing. It does not say, "Yea though I'm stuck...". The reason Peter made it down the driveway was not that he could see any more, it was because he knew the general direction he needed to be walking and had the faith to put one foot in front of the other. He had faith that there was not a branch fallen, or a confused snake, or that the earth hadn't suddenly gone all 2012 on him and there was a gaping hole where his driveway should be.

Darkness is not evil. Darkness is a chance to strengthen our faith in and dependence on God.

All this came to me as I was walking by myself from the lodge to the hotels (about a 1/4 mile) without a light. It was really dark, but I know that road from walking it multiple times a day going to the archery or riflery ranges. Still I suppose I was walking on a faith similar to Peter's. The difference being that there was no one with me. For the past two weeks since camp ended and whoever was left moved to the hotels, nearly every night some combination of Dani, Owen, Thomas, Angela or myself has walked up, usually linking arms or holding hands. We did that to keep track of each other and also to help those with no night vision (*cough - Thomas) stay on the road.

This is another epic metaphor of the body of Christ. When we feel that lost God will sometimes send one of His ambassadors to guide, encourage, or hold accountable. But sometimes its just us.

I have this quote that I love. "I believe in the sun, even when its not shining. I believe in love, even when I don't feel it. I believe in God, even when he is silent." When we are alone and continue to walk that is when we grow the strongest. On dark nights, we don't doubt the sun will rise. Why would we doubt God, who is faithful to make the sun rise, every single day. Why would he leave us purposelessly in the dark?

Darkness is an opportunity to grow faith. Sometimes its not even depressing, just mediocre life. This is striking a chord with me because I see myself slipping this way. During camp I would hang out with God almost every spare minute I had because I had so little time I had to stay connected with Him to stay sane. Now that we are on to the chiller retreat season I'm drifting away. I feel mediocre and almost listless.

This is my faith time. The reason or purpose is not starring me in the face like when I have ten little girls sleeping six feet away looking at me to lead them. So I need to keep walking.

Practically, God is super helpful with this. Its pretty basic. Read the word. He gives us dang checklists for actions (1 Cor 13, Gal 5), but the most important is in John 15, "Abide in me." So to keep walking I'll keep living, and to keep living I'll keep walking, and it will all come from abiding.

God hatched a scheme for my life, if I follow and walk with Him I have to have the faith that there is never a purposeless darkness. I just have to keep walking.

Take a breath.




And put one foot in front of the other.

Dear...

Dear Summer,

Thank you.

Dear Summer,

You are ridiculously hot. In these mountains, the rain falls every day at 3 and swimming class has to have fourteen rainy day plans. And then the sun comes out and makes us all feel like we were wrapped in plastic wrap. And then we spend from 8 in the morning to 9 at night, largely outside. Crazy right? You know what's crazier? We love it. 

My heart is literally hurting from an overflow of love. Love for the camp, love for the job, love for the people, love for the work, love for the precious gift of summers. Each summer more devoted than the next.

Why have I been given enough Grace to be here? To know these hundreds of precious souls. Children of God. Intricately designed and beautifully made.

What kind of place makes leaders out of the meek, makes heros out of the wallflowers, and turns respectable young adults into tight wearing, song screaming, face painting, wing flapping, spirit filled wackos?

We were there. We were overflowing.

I was there. My cup was running over.

I am leaving, but its spilling into me. 

I take away hundreds of new relationships.

I take away approximately ten thousand, seven hundred and thirty two reasons why I should never stop smiling.

I take away a hurt for their hurt.

I take away joy for their joy.

I take away intense pride for the lives I've watched grow up.

I take away fervent love for the lives I've known.

I would quickly die, so they could live. 

God help me live, so more don't die.

Dear Summer,

You inspire my year.

Challenge me to work harder, to be fitter so I can serve more. 

Challenge me to love and give more, so I can overflow God.

Challenge me to seek out friends that hold me up and keep me accountable.

Challenge me to pursue God. Because that is my reason for life.

Dear Summer,

You are really just a season. You fade into Autumn and Autumn into Winter. There is nothing special about you. 

What's special is the season of life. 

What's even more special is the giver of life. I replace your name with His. 

Dear God,

Thank you.

It's About How You Fail

Have you ever watched a child fall and get so flustered that they fall while getting up again. Unless someone else steps in, you can watch someone fall, get up, fall, get up, until they decide that its no use, and just stay down.

All summer I teach climbing. I don't climb much, but I've taught it for three years now. The near sure sign of defeat for a kid on a wall is when they start jumping and grabbing frantically. When they panic and start grabbing for hand holds they will inevitably knock their feet off, then their hand will suddenly have their body weight (not all of it because we being the supportive belayers we are, are holding about half) and then their hand slips off. After three or four rounds of this they will slump into the harness, grab the rope, and ask to come down.

Today I heard a song by a band I had never heard of, Beautiful Mistake. It was called "Circular Parade". One of the lines (yeah - the only one I understood) says this:

"I've brought you here, You're in my circular parade of failure...Run away!"

That song had such a hopeless desperation.

I think in stories. We've established this. In that one line I heard his story and it looked like that kid trying to climb the wall.

We fail. We panic and throw ourselves into trying again. We fail.

Now, it needs to be clarified that I don't use the word fail lightly. I don't mean I got a C in class, or lost my keys.

I mean failing God. Because when that happens I let down a lot of my family and friends on top of God. Epic fail.

I have found that when I mess up, when I fail God, I recoil. I get upset. I get panicky and resolute against doing it again then I fail in the same way, quickly. What gives?

What are we left to do?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:1-2

Lay aside.

Remember Newton. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

When we panic and fling things away, they bounce back.

In life its the same way. If we panic and act on the emotion of guilt and shame, then the same problem will sneak its way back.

We lay it aside. We take a minute to surrender, not fling. Give it over to God and run with Him.

But anyone who has walked with Jesus for any stretch of time will tell you, we walk with Him and we still fail. We're still going to have certain things that grab us and pull us toward failure. Temptation. Struggles. Crutches. We going to feel the burn of failure. And yet He is going to still be with us, ready to take it from us when we surrender and cover us in grace to restore our hearts.

Thanks God.

Just remember - don't panic.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

"Be still and now that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

The New Year - in July

I was driving down the road and I realized that my head was thinking of preparing for a new year. It's July. For those who are not feeling quick on the calendar today that is seven months too late.

There are a couple reasons why this is. Number one, school is a big deal at this point in life and I'm about to start a new year - correction my last year (for a few years at least), so because of that I have in my mind a new thing starting.

Second and biggest - camp. I adore Strong Rock Camp. This was my fourth year and if I'm honest I gave more to this summer than any before. That's more of myself to God and then camp so at the end of the sessions I was literally dead of myself. But in between kids, naps, food, running, playing, resting, and collapsing there were moments. Rather there were people who defined moments and there is no way I could remember all of them, but I want to write down a few.

Bekah

I guess I'll start with Bekah. She was my co- counselor. This is a cool story, because I had been co-counselors with Lauren for the past two summers (well one and a half - Taylor Hall was the with me for three weeks and she was AWESOME, but the cabins needed to be shuffled and I ended up back with Lau-Lau).

Lauren

I was terrified of being with Rebekah in a cabin. All I knew about her was that she was loud and dramatic and I couldn't see how we would work well together. Lauren is not loud or dramatic and we had been fantastic and never had a problem so I couldn't fathom working with anyone else. Then I got put with Bekah. For whatever reason God made me super emotional that night and I was really upset by an outside issue and had to leave as soon as the counselor assignment meeting had finished, to go cry. Beks came and found me and I managed to choke out it wasn't about her, which was true. So she brushed it off, but not by leaving, by wrapping her arms around me in a big hug and praying to Jesus. I just started smiling. While she was praying I felt an indescribable peace wash over me. God used my weakened emotional state to get me out of my own selfish ways and see how awesome Rebekah was. She finished praying and we sat and talked for a minute about what direction we wanted to take our cabin this summer and our visions were so similar. All summer that unity was reflected, we had not one single, minuscule, minute issue. Ever. 

Early on in the summer I established how much I love spirit. Which is probably why this picture just makes my day.

Look at my boys. That's my tribe (two of them) breaking it down on spirit. I BELIEVE THAT WE CAN WIN! My tribe (Awahili blue) made me so proud all summer. Owen bringing his cheers, Andrew, Dani, Ben, Angela, and Whitney writing those songs, Michael and his "If you ain't crazy you look stupid speech", and Mater and Eli, just being there wherever we needed, carrying the flag, getting spirited, helping organize, standing in for missing counselors. We were successful this summer because of you all. Thanks.

On that same note the Waya's blew me away. I mean, leap frog? That happened. Lucas, your spirit in everything? Inspirational. Aaron, your ability to shout about wolves always made me proud, you've got some lungs on you. Garrett, you've got a mean cartwheel. Rachel, you can spell W-A-Y-A with pride and it made me want to sing along with you. Beks! You must be joking! (No I'm not being mean people - its a cheer) Alex, your paint won awards. The amount you gave to the red and black, crazy! Meagan, you and Aaron had the tough job of being the only returning Waya, you trained the tribe in the ways impressively well. Taylor, bringing the Old Testament prophets? There are hardly words.

When we weren't being ridiculous with spirit, we were dressing up crazy, for usually no apparent reason.

 Then there were classes. I guest appeared in a couple of random classes, but there were two specific ones I got to plan lessons for and figure out. One was Archery.

I taught a lot with Meagan and Angela. I loved these girls. They gave me confidence. I get protective of classes I love (i.e. Archery), but I knew they could handle it (i.e. give kids a good time, keep things moving and keep them safe). There was one other girl who gave me the same confidence, but she also blessed me in Climbing just the same so she gets a picture there.

WHITNEY! She beast-ed archery and climbing. For real, I do not climb, but I've taught it for three years with the fabulous Sara Walcott, (Who was a program director and not in many pictures this summer, but I adore her and she beast-ed her new job) and then this year I got to be one of the leads, with this lady and this kid, Aaron Hunter. Both of these people made my day as I got weary of climbing because we would throw around lead teaching depending on the day because we could all do it and that makes a big difference at camp. Love you two!

Then for the last half of the summer I got to add a really random class that I loved! With Aaron and Zack. Guess what it was? FISHING! I know, who knew? I could find a picture of Zack fishing, but here he is posing. I had so much fun with the boys, teaching a class that I picked up on along with the kids, but now I know significantly more about bass fishing and about rods. Cause I got to attach hooks, weights, bait, and bobbers.

And now I have a section of specific stories for pictures.

This is Garrett, camp name Blurt. He is in a tree. A few minutes before this picture I was walking in the woods during Sock War, looking for the Waya flag. Then a sock hit me. I turned around and another sock hit me and there was Sammie (nicest, sweetest, most friendly person ever with a fantastic smile) grinning at me. I told her that she didn't need to hit me twice cause I wasn't a general and she looked confused and said she just hit me once. I looked around and eventually looked up and saw this boy grinning at me. I got just had to laugh. Sammie didn't know he was up there either. I was super impressed. He hit me on the first try too. I tossed him an extra sock up there and headed to field to be counted out.

While we're talking about Sock War lets talk about this picture. This summer I discovered that I have like no competitiveness and its getting less every year (Please note the contrast of meekness with Owen's beastliness). So I was happy when I discovered that I could walk around during Sock War and most people would be okay and believe me if I said I wasn't going to hit them. So I found myself sitting on the top of the archery hill watching one of the most epic Sock War battles ever. Behind me were Taylor (Ops) and a couple campers hiding in the brush. I hadn't seen them when I sat down, but I am so un-intimidating they didn't bother to hit me. They accepted my lack of competitiveness quickly and took it so much to heart that when the rest of the tribe on the field saw me and yelled for someone to get me out one dear little girl stood up and screamed at the top of her lungs. "You get her out I get you out! She has NO PURPOSE!!!" I just had to turn around and laugh, because she was being so sweet and didn't realize what she was saying exactly. Taylor's head was hanging and shaking back and forth. Its all you can do and remain and encouraging counselor. I said "Thank you" and we moved on.

Now these two. Taylor and Owen from the last story. I love these two. At the start of the summer they had the job that started my time at Strong Rock and they put me to shame every day. They smiled and laughed and served and got along. That's a big one in the kitchen. They got along so well that while I worked retreats with Owen he more than once would get a text from Taylor or have a memory and just smile a sad little smile in remembrance. They worked with each other and helped each other when the job made them want to slap someone. I appreciate you two, more than words can express.

Acrobatics seemed to be a returning theme this year. One could credit the start of that to the weekend after second second and the formation of a little group called SMACKS (So Many Awesome Crackas Keeping Score - T.Wade made that up on the spot, but he did it with confidence so people accepted that we planned it). This was Jill, Bekah, Taylor, Andrew and I.  We were skilled, and almost quit camp to go on the road.

 Okay, so we laughed and fell, more than actually feats. In the picture on the top we had a tower going. Normally I was the spotter, at this point I am actually more on foot protection control. As in keeping Jill's feet off of Taylor's head. Then we fell and Jill was under the table, Bekah is all but disappeared, Andrew looks unconscious, but the good news is there is no feet on Taylor's head. Success. Hahaha - in reality there were some impressive moments, but a lot of them missed the camera. But we know. SMACKS forever. (Note my co-co's bag in the first picture).

Now that we're talking about Jill. We can talk about our adventure. For our second session the youngest two cabins were going on camp out and Jill's HERO II girls were coming to help. Jill and I were the only girls able to build a fire so we went up early. We got a little way off and heard the thunder, but pressed on. We of course did not bring a radio. We kept chatting and collecting sticks and building the fire as the sky got darker and the thunder got louder. Then I went to light the match and four matches in the wind had blew out every one. I looked at Jill as the thunder cracked over us and we said almost together, "I think its time to go." We threw the fire supplies in our bags shouldered them and walked with purpose towards the trail. We were thirty feet down and heard the rain and ran. We ran as fast as we could out of the woods down the side of the pasture towards the barn. The wind was blowing so hard my left side was totally dry, but my right side was soaked. As hoped I found the barn's radio in the tack room and checked in. Dear James came and got us and we headed back to change and join the party in the gym, where we "camped". 

Finally, we'll end (for now) with this picture and story, because I could tie it in earlier. This is Aaron. Aaron is my brother. Not really, but so many campers believe it. I like this picture because he's got his shoving arm out (typical) and I'm shaking the "No-no" finger (typical). Somehow last year we got started telling campers we were brother and sister and we brought it back this year. I had one group of campers ready to get in fights defending that so I had to tell them that he was actually just my brother in Christ. Another group when I said, he and Peter (my little brother - or rather Aaron's), weren't my real brother's actually wanted to argue it. They straight up told me, "No, they're your brothers!" Aaron and Peter I love ya'll. The end.

 I'm ending with some random pictures that just made me smile.

There are countless more pictures, videos (Shouldn't have driven off and left me and Owen, with your phone. You know who you are) and memories. I'm sure random ones will pop up throughout the year, because my year has been made by summer for four years now and this summer was no different. There is a huge section of my heart to each one of the people I had the privilege of knowing this summer of 2011. I adore you, all of you, for the rest of your lives till we're all having a...."PARTY WITH JESUS! (doo doo, doo doo doo do).

History Books Recall Me As...

So today is my day off from camp. We are in a two week session right now and either its against the law to work us 13 days straight or they fear our sanity, but we all get one day off between Wednesdays. Its been lovely thus far, I bought a yellow dress and made some pad thai and watched my friend spend over half an hour trying to figure out his water filter - and now he's pulling out knives with 8 inch blades.

Promising.

Now I am writing and it feels wonderful.

The more often I write the more often topics come to me. I find myself have random thoughts come into my head and start forming them into blog post. This one is expanding on undoubtedly my favorite topic of the semester, our stories. ("The ______ Story", "A Thought"). This thought started last weekend, or rather two weekends ago. My brain is on camp time.

I was riding with the same friend who has now moved on to figuring out his headphones (with extension he refused to ask the Best Buy people about) - starting the clock.

Sidebar. I do not currently have a car so shout out to the that friend who is super gracious and awesome about giving me rides. I cannot express my appreciation in anything beyond thank you (especially for the non-100 mile, 100 mile trip - you do over-exaggerate)

Anyway, we were talking about something I can't rightly recall, but he mentioned a past a acquaintance as the someone who "destroyed" him. That got me thinking about people in our past and the labels we give them. Some of them are basic, "my old teacher", "my ex-girlfriend", and some are awesome, "my greatest mentor" or "my favorite babysitter", and some are ones that no one wants to be ever, "the person who ruined my life" or "the one who destroyed me". It makes me wonder what labels I've left in peoples life and what labels I'm leaving now. Thus far in the year I have rocked the roles of: granddaughter, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, friend, employee, babysitter, student, counselor, teacher, peer, subordinate, leader, customer, member, passenger, lawbreaker (failure to reduce me speed. Yeah - good times) and so many others I don't have the brain power to recall, but you get the idea. Over half of those could occur in a single day to multiple people ( count the interactions that could occur in the first paragraph of "Reflections..."). Its almost frightening to imagine the vast array of labels that could be bestowed upon me.

My expansion on this thought occurred during Lifeline (evening devotions at my camp). My director was talking about what we can be known for (our pure and upright conduct) and he was asking the kids about some famous people they know of and why, then he said that he knows he will never do anything famous enough to get written into the history books. I almost jumped and asked "Who's history book?". In that split second of saying he wasn't going in any history books, my boss was already written into the history books of the 100 sets of ears that were listening to him. One hundred different history books, at one time, in one moment. I don't need to be in the books that are taught in school. I'm already in so many books, and I pray in a good way.

My third expansion on history books came just now.

If I am written into history books, do I really want that? It seems simple, but if I honestly believe that everything good in me is from God, doesn't that mean that I should want to disappear and leave only Him. It's the John 3:30 principle, "He must increase and I must decrease". If I desire God, I desire to disappear into the shadow of a greater good, a greater Love, a greater God.

Lord, I am in awe that You allow me to be Your hands and feet, Your ambassador. Continue to humble me. Continue to make myself disappear, leave only You. 

Final sidebar. The head phones took ten minutes to get straight. Bravo my friend. 

The _________ Story

So if you want to know about my life right now I have one word: Camp.

Click here to read a blog post by a dear friend who is here at the same time. It is a near perfect representation of where I'm at.

Instead of starting on the novel's worth of growth and change that has happened to me these three weeks I will expand on a prevailing thought I've had for the past year.

Stories.

Who doesn't love a good story? Over a year ago, right before my adopted grandfather passed away I came across the familiar verses of Psalm 139, verse 16.

 "Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them."

Our lives are a story.

Have you ever read a story and you get to the end and you suddenly see the masterful way that the author added the small details to work for a big ending? Those are the best. Imagine someone writing a story and that person cannot make a mistake.

Most. Epic. Thing. Ever.

That's our lives.

Everyday I get to wake and be a part of an amazing story. I am watching the details and not knowing the end, but when it comes it will amazing to get to heaven and look back on the intricate details. The little things. The things that pass a by and then sometimes weeks, months, years down the road we look back and say, "Hmm. That was the day when I met my ______." or "That was when I decided ______."

And then there are the things we won't see. Those are the ones I think will be most surprising. Those are the moments that we get glimpses of.

When you get a book that good you just want to savor every page. So why don't we savor our lives?

We rush for graduation, for weddings, for jobs, for vacation, for meeting people, for leaving people. All those things are part of our lives, but the days in between are the ones that make all the "big" days so great.

Every day I get up and do my best to savor that page of the story, because I don't want to miss something. I don't want to pass a little innocuous detail that shifts the direction of the story. I want to be able to look back and see the baby steps, not just the leaps, because God wrote me a story, long before I started living it. That is grounding.

I can't wait to see where our stories interact next. It'll be a good day, because it was planned, before time.  So go on and embrace the day, the details, and your story.

Campo de Verano

I am at Strong Rock Camp. This place screams my name deep into my heart when I am not here and from now until July I get to join in the shouts. What does that sound like, you ask? There are no words.

Stop for a minute and imagine a time and a place when you are in your element. When you feel loved and accepted even as you act ridiculous. I adore this place.

There are so many things that fill my heart to overflowing. I have not been so excited or bubbly or utterly ridiculous most likely since last summer.


One thing that screaming especially loud tonight are the stars. They are piercing beams of light. They stab through the dark velvety sky and amaze me.

"Star light,

Star bright.

You've just rocked my world tonight.

 Yell down from the heavens.

Sing the glory of my Lord."

Number two, a beautiful song.

Contrary to what my fellow staffers may think, it is not the Fruit of the Spirit song. It's God's song.

Tonight we sang a song with James. The bridge says: "You are my strong melody/ You are my dancing rhythm/ You are my perfect rhyme/ And I will sing your praise, forever."

In my dance class this semester I learned about modern dance. What I loved about this was at times this dance is very structured and at times you just dance with the rhythm inside you. If I think of this as life, I want God to be my "strong melody". Not a weak melody, but strong. Strong enough to create the world. To live on earth, to die for the entire human race. Strong enough to show me life, life to the fullest. I want to dance for God. I want my life to be a dance to the song that God wrote for my life. Someone told me the other day that a Christian scientist did a research and found out that if you take our DNA and turn it sideways and transpose it, it makes a song, a unique song. I haven't done research into this, but it makes sense with God. He loves us so much He not only provided a way for us to conquer death, He gave us a song, a rhythm to dance to. For our lives. For my life. I want to dance to God's song, not my own.

My goal this summer is to follow God. His song. My life. Our dance.