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| I like this picture - and its raining out. |
The humility topos is a element of different writing styles that we have been studying in my English class this semester. It is characterized by the writer's claims to a certain degree of incompetency on their subject and the purpose is to further themselves in said subject.
This is not humility.
Today I discovered that God has been teaching me about humility. I say that I discovered I was being taught because today God drew a line connecting lots of random observations from the past month, or rather even the past three years. Here is what I've learned.
First let me tell you a little something about the canvas God was painting this truth on (i.e. - me). I have always had a built in confidence and self-esteem that got me through the 'insecure' middle and high school years with minimal damage. It also prevented me from seeing my own arrogance. I do not believe that this arrogance often came to the surface in a way readily recognizable by people around me, but I know it was inside me. I struggled with the idea of humility because it always seemed to be just a lack of confidence, so my life up till recently I believe was largely characterized by a humility topos. I practiced it, but I did not feel it.
I think I can credit my experiences at Strong Rock Camp to starting my endeavor into examining my own humility. I remember distinctly, my second year going back, I had a phone interview with James. I was sitting in the parking lot of the cultural arts center where we practiced a play I was the stage manager for. I remember him asking me about my strengths and weaknesses. I gave him some of what I perceived to be strengths and then blanked on weaknesses. I don't know what I had told him my first summer, or even if he had asked that question, but I'm pretty sure up until that point I had this list in my back pocket of weaknesses because I knew I was supposed to. At that moment though, staring out at the empty gravel lot next door, God shattered my list. I don't remember the answer I gave James at that moment, I may have even recalled some of the former list, but at that moment I stopped believing it.
This was something was occasionally poked and prodded at in my head and heart for the next two years, then this summer God completely leveled me. Pretty much anything I've written in the months of June, July, or August will tell you more about this, but to sum up after three summers getting to know camp and how it runs I was absolutely terrified going into first session because over the course of staff week God just stripped away all pretenses that I could do this job. All summer, and it was the greatest I've had as far as personal growth and I believe my performance as a member of the team and family that is staff (though not without some major flaws) I knew that all the good that I did, was God.
Flash forward again to these past few weeks. I believe I mentioned in one of the last few posts how exceedingly grateful I am that God's voice is not quiet at this time in my life. Not that He is all the time speaking about big life plans (though he's totally weighed in heavy) but that in every day life He has had the grace to teach me. His spirit has called my flesh into check multiple times and that, in and of itself, has been so humbling. Recently he has been stopping me more and more from making life about me. Sometimes this is calling me out when I start to feel superior, sometimes this is calling me out when I start to play the victim, sometimes its just calling me out when I need more patience and love, even I'm not feeling it.
Last night a new, but dear friend spoke for BCM about things that she has learned from God over the course of her years at college. One of the first things she spoke about was how she learned and still is learning the importance of giving your plans to God. Suddenly I started feeling smug that this was something that I have hardly ever struggled with, but praise Jesus, the spirit almost immediately spoke up, reminding me that I was in no way superior and to just forget about myself and listen. He gave me the strength and ability to do so and I discovered that yes, I have a better grasp on the concept of giving my plans to God than most people my age that I've spoken with, but guess what else? They have a much better grasp on so many other concepts like living radical for Jesus, or how to study His word. I learned that from the speaker last night.
So jump up to riding in the car today. About half the time I do this, I don't have music, so I often end up reflecting on my life, which is why so much of my writing starts with, "Today as I drove home." I began to reflect on Humility. It was then that I realized how much God had been slowly teaching me, and this may sound incredibly obvious to most of you, or even all of you, but I learned today, really learned in my heart so that it is now a part of me, not just a knowledge, that humility is not a lack of confidence. I have confidence in my relationship with God and His leading in my life, that's not wrong. What's wrong is assuming that makes me more mature than those around me. We learn things at different times. The concept that I am more mature in is the same one my brother or sister may be just learning, and the concept they have been living for years, is one that I've barely beginning to brush.
Humility, for me, is living in the confidence that God gave me strengths to and weaknesses and then placed me with people who will benefit from the one and strengthen the other. The important part of that is, is that its not me doing it. My strengths are a gift, and my weaknesses are a gift. Strengths are the tools that I use to help people and weaknesses are the reminders that I fail without God. I adore my weaknesses because when I know I am weak in something and succeed anyway - I know that it was God working through me to accomplish it. And that is humbling beyond words.
Another important aspect of humility I have learned is just a basic attitude of gratitude. I have recently been been looking back on my life and been so grateful for the experiences I've had, and the places I've been put, and the people that surround me. I could literally write a book on it. The family I was given, more-so the parents I have, that have shaped my family. They are amazing and huge reason they are is my whole life I heard honestly that their successes in life were from God working and their failures were when they tried to take the wheel. Honestly, imagine being six years old and having your mom come apologize for getting angry and tell you that God has been teaching her a lot about controlling her temper. I remember that, more than once. To be surrounded by those role models who throughout the years of parenting became better and better, by their own concession, because of God's work in their lives. I am floored by the gift of my parents.
Camp has had a huge affect on me too. Not just Strong Rock, but Snowbird, the camp in my hometown. I never worked there, or attended as a camper, but I spent a significant amount of time in that environment. It was when I first began hungering for a relationship with God. I would go to services and visibly see the light of Christ in the faces of the staff. They were younger people that I would have looked up too anyway, but to have them be so obviously in love with Jesus, it made me begin a search for my own faith, not my family's. One reason that I am floored by the gift of getting to work at Strong Rock is that I have the opportunity to influence lives in that way and I know it doesn't take fancy words or intense heart to heart conversations. I believe that I have never had more than a passing conversation with most of the people I so admired, but their impact on my life was huge.
Not just this, but the combined radical honesty of Snowbird and my parents made me, at an early age, very comfortable with the concepts of a life completely sold out to Jesus. For the leaders of Snowbird and the leaders of my family lukewarm faith was not an option. They never spoke to make you feel good - they spoke to tear apart any false conceptions I might have about Christianity and broke it down to moment by moment decision to follow God, not just a prayer and a dunking under water.
None of those things were by any stretch of the imagination me, or in my control. I am literally, eternally grateful for them, and I can honestly say that I am humbled so much because of these overview aspects of shaping me (there are million more - believe me) into who I am.
Therefore I will say, with great excitement, that God is teaching me.
And now I am floored and humbled again, because the God of the freaking universe cares enough to teach
me.
Pardon the somewhat tacky pictures of this video, but please listen to the
song. It is my song for this lesson.
good evening.
right now i am thinking about the idea of missing. we miss people, places, things. what does that mean? what is the logic of missing something? does it imply discontent or just a love that wants to defy separation? you miss something when you don't have it, but you want it, so i suppose it could be both. i aspire to miss things not out of discontent, but out of the deep love. i have talked to people who believe that relationships are somewhat ended or at least majorly affected by distance. whether that be physical or emotional distance. for example if someone moves across the country but you still talk not much will change, but if you live down the road from each other and work in the same place and go to the same church but don't talk then that is emotional distance. i will not disagree completely, i will also not disagree whole heartedly. i have friendships that remain just as strong though there has been nearly a year with little to no contact. i can't explain that. i also have relationships that seem strong but all but dissipate over the course of a few months with no clear assignment of blame. what is the qualifier? this is something that has never bothered me much because i have from a young age resolved within myself to be a friend to whoever i meet for as long as i live. i may have no contact with someone for years, but if they called and asked for help or wanted to catch up, i like to think that i would do my best to be there for them. the problem with this mindset is has left me with a somewhat one-sided view of friendship. i just don't think about many other people's side of the friendship, or rather i don't think about anyone else wanting to be my friend. i have a hard time imagining that. not necessarily as some form of low self-esteem, but out of a basic assumption that hardly any one (and believe me there are a growing number exceptions to this so don't feel slighted if you are reading this...because i have so many people in my life that bless my socks off) appeared to care as much as i did. then i got to thinking outside myself and how apathetic i know i can appear and decided that i probably look pretty uncaring to a lot of people when i'm really not because people don't go around with the words, "hey, i'm your friend unconditionally" written across their foreheads. it is something that many people wouldn't buy even if it was written there, because friendship tends to be best shown in action and if i went ten years without contacting a friend they would probably have little reason to call despite my honest intention to be there for them because i have done little to prove it. so its cyclical. and my friend is not very wrong at all about the basic, just maybe not as positive about the mechanics of the idea.
