Inspired by Joy

The most amazing smile. Laugh lines that exploded like fireworks from the corner of her eyes. 

The best part about her smile, was how often she used it. 

Shannon, that's her name and we were not best friends. I will not offend the feelings of those who were by claiming otherwise. We were really only active in each other's lives for one year or so when we both attended a community college prior to transferring to different universities. 

I have talked a lot about the story God has written for us, and the people that intersect that story. Shannon and I had a fairly brief intersection, and this morning, I found out that her life story reached it's end and she is in her glorious epilogue, united with our Savior. 

Here's why I hold on to our life intersection. 

At the time, I was struggling with feeling connected. I was learning how to be outgoing, and she could not have been a more perfect unintentional tutor. 

It's seems cliche to say she never met a stranger, but it's so true. Her explosive smile fell on so many people. She acted like you were best friends in the most sincere way. Her friendship was a gift for that year of my life. 

I learned from her lessons of confidence, of friendliness, of extending love to anyone, of pursuing relationships with God and people. 

I am fighting to process this. My heart hurts for her sweet parents, and her brothers. I know how close they were. I can not fathom having to process this news. But the thing that keeps coming into my mind, is the assurance of Christ. I know that because of Him, His promises, that Shannon is happier than she ever was here, as hard as that is to imagine. 

I know I will get see her again, and pick up our friendship, even better than it was four years ago. 

I know that because of this, I can just be thankful, so thankful, for the intersection of our lives. That I was able to know her. To know her love of life and be inspired by her joy. 

That's it, that's her biggest legacy in my life. 

She left me inspired by joy. 

Whatever's In Front of Me...

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I remember in my 3rd summer at camp, one I day I woke up and just felt dead. I was so tired, I couldn't begin to imagine how I was going to sit up, let alone wake up a cabin full of 10 year olds and be responsible for them, and teach five classes, all while maintaining the energy and joy required by camp.

I rolled over and let my arm drop to the floor and pick up the notecards next to me bed. For the hundredth time that year, I read 2 Corinthians 4.

The rest of the day, was not easy. I took one step at a time, sometimes literally. I made it to lunch in shock. By the time I was running around playing the game that night, I knew that something awesome had happened that day, because I looked back and could not find a single point where my energy was coming from me.

I looked back on the day and thought, how cool? God did that whole thing. I loved that day. I loved the part it held in my memory and building my walk with God.

This summer I look on that experience as a marathoner might look back at their middle school track team (and knowing that before I die, I'm gonna end up like those people who run across the country in three days). Even so, God is still teaching me from that passage.

The verse at the beginning of this post says a couple different things I want to point out.

"...we do not lose heart..."

This is a statement. We don't lose heart. We have opportunity to lose heart, but we won't. What comes next is why.

"...our outer self is wasting away, but our inner self is being renewed, day by day..."

Our outer self will only get more tired, more run down. But every morning, God's mercies are new. Every day God comes in and restores our soul. He reminds us in a million ways why showing up every day is "worth it".

"..this light and momentary affliction..."

It doesn't say what gauge we are deciding what light and momentary affliction is, but here at camp we have air conditioning, running water, food, sleep, beds, pretty basic first-world life style. Sure, we spend a lot of time in the sun, but we have an abundance of clean water. Sure we have very little down-time during the day, but we have at least eight (should be at least nine) hours every day with no assignments. This is hard work, emotionally and spiritually pouring into these campers, absolutely, but for the most part, I would call it "light and momentary" in comparaison to what we could be facing.

"...preparing us for an eternal weight of glory, beyond all comparison..."

This is the part that jumped out to me when reading through this past time. Mostly the word, "weight". I know that word. I don't just know what it means, I feel what it means. The "weight of glory".

We are here with purpose. I have been called. I know this. So I show up and I trust God to work, to provide. But I feel, acutely the weight of what we are doing. The weight and effect that my actions have. The weight of the forces that oppose us. The weight of the majesty of what we are doing.

"...we look not to things that are seen, but unseen..."

Every day, no matter how hard or easy. we are here for the Unseen. For God. For Christ. For sharing good news with others. And this God that we are here for, is working everything for our good and for His glory (a). A weight of glory.

"...so we do not lose heart..."

We wake up and experience just a taste of an eternal weight of glory. It's heavy, sometimes it's hard, and sometimes I want to give into the flesh side of me and cry, and be down, and succumb to discouragement. But no matter what, "...whatever's in front of me, I chose to say, Hallejuah." 

Because it's worth it.

Because God is still there. 

Because God is still worthy of trust. 

Because God is still deserving of praise.

Because God sustains me. 

Because God will not stop pursuing me.

Because, I feel the weight, and it's glorious. 

I will not lose heart.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know thatthe testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1: 2-4

Let’s Be Terrifying

Best "battle" picture I could find, but I love this book/movie
and also Peter is my favorite.

(From the newsletter that we put out bi-weekly for the staff)

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” 

  Every morning we open our eyes in a battle. Every night we fall asleep in the midst of war.

 “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.”

We are against a clever and cunning foe, and yet live in the midst of situations that are trying and wear us down. They make us dull, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Camp is such a hard battle because it can be a battle against flesh and blood (our own weakness), along with spirituality.  One of the biggest assets for the enemy is convincing us that there is no battle. Then there is no reason for us to be on our guard. So maybe he attacks you subtly, maybe you aren’t struggling with energy or patience. That is a ploy. You grow dependent on yourself. That happened so many summers for me. When I started being overwhelmed, then I sunk deeper into God. So the enemy keeps coming, and attacking in new ways.

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.”

We’ve all seen movies about war, heard stories. Battles are fought, and when the end comes, the victors are the ones still standing. They are not clean, or energized, they are weary, they are bloody, they are bruised. But they are standing. We don’t win battles by standing back and watching the fray, we win them by charging in. 

“Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

This is our armor. This is how we win. If we go into battle without it, we die. Every night as you go to sleep, sleep in battle mode. With your armor on, sword at the ready. When you wake up in the morning, attack the day. Every day of your life, you fight for your soul, but when you come to camp, you take up the sword for more. You fight not just for yourself, but for the campers, the staff, and the families that are impacted by our calling, when you wake up weary, when you struggle to put a smile on, when kids are driving you crazy, when your body is weak and you begin thinking fainting would be a good thing because it means you could lie down, in those moments you are being attacked, mercilessly.

“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”  (-Ephesians 6: 10-18)

So look up from this paper and look at your co-counselor. Look at the kids in your cabin and don’t see their shells. Look, and ask God to let you see the soul, the life that Satan is trying to steal. Step into your boots, pull on your helmet, tighten your belt, surround yourself in the shield of faith and pick up your sword. Then run, head-on into the battle, fight till you see the demons turn-tail and run. Then fight some more. Remember that without the armor, without God, without the Spirit, no matter what intentions you may have, you are dead, and one less person fighting for your campers. So abide in Christ, live and breathe in the armor of God. Be encouraged and praise God for attacks, because it means we are in the battle, it means that we are growing into something to fear. 

Hope in Exile

This past weekend I spent about 48 hours in Cleveland GA with the directors and fellow summer staff leaders prepping for the coming months at Strong Rock Camp. 

The man himself, in parent 
approved swag.

There will be a coming post about my heart going into this summer, but since it has been a long time since I have written on this blog, I always feel I need to work back into it slowly. So instead this post features my second ever guest writer (read the first here - she was five).

This piece was not written for a blog. It was written by an awesome member of the summer staff leadership team from last summer, Taylor Wade.

What is cool about Taylor and camp is how clearly God placed him there, because Tay will tell you, he didn't really ever plan on working at Strong Rock.

 In 2011, he had applied to camp but backed out because he wasn't sure how his training schedule for the National Guard would mesh with camp. But when during staff week we had one of our male staff drop out unexpectedly we called up and he came, halfway into training. He spent the first half of the summer in the kitchen and when our numbers required the opening of another boy's cabin he spent the rest of the summer as a counselor. 

A little more realistic.

He thought that that was it for he and camp, but last year when we found ourself lacking a Boy's Head Counselor, he stepped in and filled the roll. He didn't have the most experience, but what he did have was Christ, and the person that God has made him. 

Taylor will tell you modestly how the summer went. He will give credit to other people and say that they are the reason that he found success. What he won't tell you is how blown away we all were by his ability to lead and encourage. He won't tell you how many times he kept me from going crazy. He won't tell you how he made every staffer feel wanted and loved. He won't tell you how his humor lightened the weary days, or how his enthusiasm for Christ encouraged others to pursue Him further. 

This letter is one he sent out halfway through the summer. It's fun because when he passed it out to the staff, I don't think I took much time to really read it, but since it came home from camp with me, it has popped up, every few months in random places like an old purse, or a forgotten stack on my desk, and it finds a way to encourage my socks off every time. I asked him if I could post it here, and he told me that the way he saw it, he gave it to us so we could do whatever we well pleased with it. 

I am posting it now as we go into the coming summer, because truth is timeless. I post it for my fellow staff and I post it for those who are not in camp. Because every one will at some point feel forsaken. Everyone at some point will be annoyed by someone, somewhere, and in that moment, this message becomes applicable. 

Strong Rock Staff,

After Rookie’s testimony on Sunday morning, I started thinking about one of the verses he shared. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you future and a hope.” This verse is quoted so much so that, for me at least, it has lost it’s power and meaning. It had become one of those cliché bible verses from Awana they made you memorize. After hearing the verse again on Sunday, something about it had just struck me. I went to read the verse in context of the overall story of Israel and their captivity. After a certain point, I decided to write this and share what all the Holy Spirit was speaking to me.

Jeremiah 29:4-9 says, “Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them’ plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. For thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: Do not let your prophets and your diviners who are among you deceive you, and do not listen to the dreams that they dream, for it is a lie that they are prophesying to you in my name’ I did not send them, declares the Lord.” 

This section seems unimportant and kind of odds at first. But earlier in Jeremiah, the prophet intentionally refrains from marriage and bearing children. This action portrays Israel’s potential future. Obviously, whenever a nation ceases to marry and bear children, they will become extinct. The above section tells of future captivity, but provides hope that God will not allow His people to become extinct even though this trying time (70 years, in their case). Even amidst the turmoil and anguish, there is hope. 

Jeremiah goes on to speak in verses 10-14, saying “For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.”  

God lets His people know that despite their time of captivity, there will be an end to it. The trials will come to pass. Even when it seems as though God has forgotten His people, He still has plans for them. And they are plans to give us all a future and a hope of what is to come. Furthermore, the God of the universe is willing to listen to His people, His creation . When we genuinely seek God - to hear what He wants tot tell us, to seek His council and comfort, and to rebuild that relationship we’ve partially destroyed through sin- our God willing listens. Finally, God says he will “bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” This is more than a geographical relocation to a homeland. This includes a restoration of life in every possible way. 

I understand that some of these kids can grate on our nerves. I understand that some of these classes we teach aren’t our favorites. And I understand that some we won’t always have the best attitude for whatever reason. But think about how much God has blessed us just by being here. We have phenomenal leadership at every level of camp, even down to some campers. We are surrounded by some of God’s most beautiful creation on a daily basis! We are surrounded by friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, for those days that just don’t seem to go right. We aren’t in any kind of exile here. And yet God still has plans for us to restore us to a life of total and complete fulfillment. 

This verse also applies to the campers. Like I said, I understand that some campers just push out buttons on a daily basis. But we aren’t here to babysit. We have all been brought in here to accomplish a single goal. To impact kids’ lives for the kingdom of God. I guarantee you some of these campers are in their own kind of exile as you read this. And they need to know what God has promised them. Please, remember why you are here. Be encouraging. Have fun. Show these campers how good God has been to us just by allowing us to live another day. And use that day to influence theses campers.

I love all of y’all,

Taylor Wade

I am so grateful that God has seen fit to bless our camp, and my life with a fantastic person such as Taylor Andrew Wade. He is also a writer (clearly) but mostly sticks to publishing humor. Check out his newly created humor blog here! 

"It's The Sound of the Dawn Breaking"

The title from the song, "Hope" by Kristine DeMarco (sorry, best video I could find).

Many people have written many things about Easter. There are classic phrases, like “He is risen, He is risen indeed” that we will throw around. There are songs that we’ll hear every year, like “Were You There?”. 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with these things as a general rule, I don’t like that they make me numb. I grew up hearing the story, seeing the somber look that pastors get when they read those chapters of the gospels. Seeing the fabric draped crosses, hearing over and over about the suffering, and the joy (again, not wrong on it's own, actually pretty good, unless you become numb, as I have and seen many others) This year, we've added the memes on facebook of stylized image of Jesus, and the cross, with phrases and verses. 

I see the memes and I roll my eyes.* 

How can we take it down to a meme? It’s the same format used to make fun of Justin Bieber and populate the Ryan Gosling, “Hey Girl” movement. 

Every moment I live in a battle. I battle my self. I battle the god of the age. I do my best to rally my failed flesh and do my best to return punches. I do my best to pick up the sword and attack the day. 

Still I fail. 

Still I lie in a broken heap, hiding. 

Still I stand frozen while the blood runs down my face. 

I know that I can not win. I know that no matter how hard I fight, no matter how much good I do, I will still fail. I will still have darkness inside me that needs to be shoved into light. 

God created a perfect earth. He created humans so they could be close to Him. But Satan came in with a lie, and in one decision on the part of humans, a decision repeated every second of every day, Satan gleefully helped us create a chasm between ourselves and God, one of sin and darkness. The separation between God and us left us helpless and hopeless to ever get back to Him on our own. God can not remain God and let something as dirty as us know Him. His line is singular and immovable. There is no small sin He lets slide. There is nothing we can do, to bridge that separation.

Easter is regarded as the time when we remember Christ coming to save the world. It is a weekend where people show up in church for the first time all year and sing sentimental hymns and stand  looking properly somber on Friday and properly joyful on Sunday. But Easter is not just a weekend event. Easter is not contained. It can’t be. Christ didn’t just die on a weekend in April and leave us to "remember" the anniversary once a year. Every day that I get up with hope, I am celebrating Easter, because 2,000 years ago my separation ended, my inevitable death was destroyed and the god of the age lost all power.

Every day, every moment, I have options, I have hope, because Christ defeated death and offered me adoption into His family. When I fail, He doesn’t kick me out. When I lie in a broken heap, He picks me up. When I stand frozen, He wipes the blood out of my eyes and spurs me forward. He does this because not only has He faced all the darkness I face, He beat the crap out of it and then destroyed it.

People who hold on to their darkness run from Him in fear. When I live in His grace and adoption, my darkness is brought to light. When Christ's light shines, I believe Satan screams in frustration that he has lost so epically. 

Every day when I get up to fight, I am thankful. I am thankful not just that I am on the team that wins, I am thankful that I get to fight, to feel personally defeated and see Jesus win anyway. If Jesus' victory had also taken everything hard, like feelings of failure and loss, I don’t think I would be able to fully know the victory. 

Salvation. The moment when you realize you face the dark legion all alone. As they descend and encircle you, all you see is the clash of steel, all you hear are anguished cries, and your heart is racing so hard you can’t catch a breath. You suffer their blades carving out pieces of your self, and feel dizzy from their blows. Your own blood, is being coughed from your lungs and runs down your face. You know “I’m dead” and then decide to cry out for Life.

The moment when you feel the strength of the Spirit overtake your weary body and you catch your first glimpse of clear blue sky. As your old weary self dies, and Christ’s blood washes down making you new, the demons of your past fall away screaming at the Light overtaking you, and you  begin to see the view. You see the great grandeur of victory. You stand, free and new, in a sea of personal death.

Those demons will creep back. You will feel overwhelmed again, you are probably not done coughing up blood, but now, you are not alone. Now you face the legion alongside not only a sea of redeemed faces, but filled and surrounded by the One who defeated death itself. You have the hope that no matter how destroyed your body gets, your soul is invincible, because you’ve given it to One who destroys death. 

Think about that. Destroys death. 

The battle is actually a gift. We are now fighting from the top of a mountain. If I had been sitting in peace on the mountain the whole time, it wouldn’t be nearly as beautiful, because even in the fray, we have hope. Because we are fighting a war that is won. 

So how in the heck do you stick something as astounding as that on a meme?*

*I mean no disrespect towards the people who post memes. They are some dear friends of mine, many of whom I know have a deeper relationship with Jesus than a meme signifies to me. God is big enough to speak through these memes, whether I like it or not. 

Hold Your Out Your Hand

My sister Charissa

Over the holidays I heard my sister Charissa say more than once, “I’m holding it loosely.” 

She used this to refer to her clothes, her car, any one of her belongings. 

I never got the chance to really ask her about this, but from the manner in which she spoke I gathered it was something that God was teaching her. 

That phrase has stuck with me. It comes into my head when I look through my room at the clothes, books, and belongings that I have amassed. It comes into my head when I look my bank account. I think of it when I look at my time and try to put a value on it. It comes to mind when I see the different plans for my future start to roll through my head. 

Tonight, it came into my head again as I measured my life against the standard that the world expects of me. As I held those two lives up to the light and saw the checklist of things I need to do to be considered a responsible adult (i.e have a steady bank account, car, plan etc) I wondered if I should cut out things like weekend road-trips and buying art supplies to more quickly achieve this goal. Then the image of an open palm came into my head.

I have no guarantee of anything. Not one millisecond into my future is guaranteed, so why live in any time other than right now?

I don’t think planning is wrong. There are plenty of things in life that require planning, but if I live my life in the present, living to the fullest where God put me and trusting His plan, then I have to trust it fully. Somehow we, or at least I, get the idea that we need to worry about the details. Like God will tell us to move somewhere, but not give us time to make the proper preparations. Now, granted, maybe God’s preparations look different than our own, but they are still accounted for. 

Tonight I tentatively stated to myself that I need to hold everything loosely. Then, as I normally do, I began to argue with myself. What about God? Don’t I need to hold everything loosely, but God? Don’t I need to hold on to God with all my might?

What if God saw fit to move me like this?
In real life - this would be drastic, but so exciting!

No. And the reason is in the question. “my might”.

I can not, nor will anyone ever be able to hold God. God is so far above. He is infinite, transcendent, self-sufficient, self-existent. He never changes. I willnot, I do not,  I can not hold God.

God holds me. He pursues me. He fills me. When I hold my life in an open hand, and relax, God can more easily move me. When I build my life not on the expectation of the fulfillment of my plans, but on the expectation of the fulfillment of God’s promises, I can not be disappointed. When I find joy, not in expectations put on the people around me, but in the expectation of God’s character, I can never be hurt. 

Now, I am human. I will never be able to purely rest on God. My flesh will bring in challenges. I will feel the emotion of disappointment, and hurt. I will be sad. I will be frustrated, I will be angry, but if I practice living life with an open palm, how quickly will the power of God whisk those emotions away?

So I will live open. I leave room for God to move. I will strive to quiet the checklist of the world and listen for the prodding and movement of the Spirit. Because that is where I find joy, and peace. That is what I crave. That is where I belong. That is where I find home.

|valənˌtīn|

My first introduction to the idea of father. My first introduction to
God too, probably. My first Valentine - for sure.

No matter what you may think about Valentines day, it seems that everyone thinks something.

People who will post status every other day of the year dripping with single, self-pity, will today post pep talks about there being nothing wrong with the position of singleness.

There are plenty of reminders on my wall about God and His being the ultimate answer to our heart's need.

There are people who make no comment, because they don't care much for the idea.

In my life, Valentines day had it's most significance when I was little and my parents would usually spring for some sort of token. Candy hearts, chocolate, random stuffed animals. I have never much associated anything particularly romantic with February 14th, and have by consequence, never held any malice towards the day with the absence of such expression.

I suppose I fall into the apathetic category when it comes to this 'holiday', but God is not a God of apathy and God has been slowly over taking my everything, therefore I am not actually apathetic this year.

This is not a post about how we should perceive the day. This is not a post about my cut and dry opinion. This is not a sermon. This is simply a testimony, a story, of how I have been approaching the day this year. I've no doubt that my opinion and approach will evolve and change with the years ahead, as it has with years past. God, it seems, has been working on my heart for a few weeks leading up to this, and the coming of this day of hearts, has proven a catalyst for my trying to communicate what it is I am in the process of learning.

God has of late been re-evaluating my heart in relation to the fantastic men he has placed in my life. I have been awoken to realize that the same M.O. that worked when I was 15, doesn't work when I'm in my twenties. Everybody is in a different place in life, and if I care about the lives of these men, then I will care just as much about my actions, words and behavior towards them.

My only brother. You wouldn't believe how awesome he is.

I am not saying that I have not been intentionally uncaring, I am saying I have been thoughtless - and God has begun to draw a line for me, tell me to stop, and change.

 In my pursuit of God, above all else, some things have changed. One, is how I see the people around me, specifically for this post, the male species.

God has a thing about family. He is very serious about it. From marriage, and imagery of Christ and the Church, to parenthood and beyond. Specifically, God has associated himself closely with one role, that of the father. (John 17 - one of the many places, Jesus Himself, calls God father, more than once.) Now is not the time to get into the doctrine of the Trinity, but the basics are, God is three persons in one: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. God the Father. (Romans 8:15)

I grew up with a wonderful, blessing of a father, but we all know someone who wants nothing to do with God because their father was not great, and the idea of another "father figure" in their life sounds terrible. I have only ever connected the dots of father hood and God in my personal past tense (I was raised with a great father), or maybe even briefly in my future tense (marrying someone who would be a good father), I have not tied it into the present.

There are certain theories that hold that a someone's personality is set by the time they are five years old and it seems logical that personality affects how we approach everything. Helping to decide our challenges, what comes easily, what we have to fight. If I even halfway believe this, then the two and three year old little boys that I watch every Tuesday, are right now being shaped in a huge way. Could things that happen right now, affect their fathering far down the road?

More so, the teenagers in my church, a lot of of them I have known since they were in elementary school and younger, are before my eyes, growing up. These "little boys" are getting drivers licenses,  speaking their minds, pursuing their own interests, and becoming leaders and servants among their peers. Is it possible that the way that they are encouraged, challenged, and treated at this point will affect how they father their own children down the road?

My only brother-in-law. This guy.
Real excited he gets to be a part of our family from here on out.

Further still, my peers. Male staff at camp, friends from school, friends in the church. Many of these men are (not unlike the women in the same age range) in years of decision. Whether that decision is what degree to work towards in college, what to do after college, how to become independent of their parents, and most importantly, how they are going to pursue God when they are left alone. Do decisions that they make in these areas affect what sort of fathers they will be?

This may all seem very odd, to be thinking about the fathering potential of toddlers, but I have recently been thinking a lot about God and His nature. The God of the universe lets Himself be called, Abba, Father, Daddy. And this God also has the grace to let roughly half the human population operate under the same word, and many of those humans are doing a bang-up job.

Being able to see that men are under attack in our world does not take a biblically minded person. It does not even take a genius. The brothers in my life (familial and biblical) are under a strong attack, I believe because they have such strong potential to live such a vivid expression of God's Glory. They have the opportunity to personify an aspect of God's character. Fatherhood.

Sidebar: before anyone gets offended. I am not whatever the female version of chauvenist is. I do not think that men are better than women. I do not think them more important. I do think that the mistakes in the past that led to such opinion are being far too radically overthrown in the present, and we have begun not to just promote women's rights, but degrade those of men. I am specifically not addressing the role of women because this is a blog post, not a 900 page thesis. 

How do these revelations affect my mindset towards "the other half" right now?

First reaction - I am floored by God's grace in allowing a part of His nature to be continually associated with humans who are so quick to fail, and in conjuncture with this, fearful on behalf of these men in my life I have had the opportunity to know and be blessed by. I believe that Satan is alive and active in the world around us, and he can not want these boys to succeed.

Second reaction - Prayer. These men will struggle and fail on some level. They are human, but if they have the strength to fight, to submit to the Holy Spirit and let God overwhelm their weakness, then His Glory is achieved, and shown to the world.

Third reaction - To double check my movements. How I talk to, act around, and express love towards "my boys" matters. From the one-year-old learning how to walk on his feet, to the 20-something learning how to walk as an adult, and man of God. I'm not sure what that looks like exactly and I'm pretty sure it is at least slightly different in each situation, but I know that whatever it looks like, it is permeated with prayer. Prayer and action.

My brother is now four months into the journey of fatherhood.
You can bet this has had a huge affect on this thought process.

Prayer because it is the strongest weapon I have, and action, because I cannot pray for the protection of institution of "fatherhood" with my heart, but fight against it in my action. The respect, grace, and words that I offer, even in passing to my fellow man, has the potential for good or harm. I need to be aware.

(Now, let me quickly tie this into Valentines Day, for the sake of relevance.)

As God has been teaching my heart, He has transformed it.

 I went to a small group last night and the idea of "single-ness" was briefly brought up. The girl shared how easy the trap was to just say, "I'm single because God is preparing just the right guy for me." and then in your heart be like, "Okay, God - I'm waiting, any time now." I think the idea of being content with where you are is great, but I think the idea that it is because God is preparing the perfect guy for you is terrible! It puts a ridiculous expectation on men. We are human. We fail. We all fail. God is not keeping you and that mystery person in the slow cooker until  you are both, "perfect". I'm not sure what God has for your life, but I know it is not a simple formula, and the only way to know is to seek Him with abandon, not under the agenda of figuring out secrets like who the "mystery person" is.

I can not say for sure if I ever particularly operated under this theory, because I never particularly put much thought into it. But what God has done is make me think, and make me seek Him. This has put my heart into a whole new level of God control. My heart is so free, to look at the all the fantastic failures of men around me and just be exceedingly thankful for their presence in my life in whatever capacity, to just feel overwhelming love and hope for what God will do, and, new to the stage of my heart, a burden to pray for them and silently fight to protect them from the attacks that will plague them their whole lives.

So I have spent, and will continue to spend my Valentines Day in prayer for my hundreds of Valentines. The children, teenagers, and men of God that He has given me to know and learn from. I have never before felt such a sincere, pure and weighty love for you all. I am sincerely sorry for any past thoughtless word or action that communicated differently, and for all the times I will fail you in the future. I am hopefully in nothing more than God's ability to work in my weakness. I am so very proud of each of you gentlemen and the way you live, fight and pursue God.

And to Bo, Andrew and Glenn, my father and actual brothers, You guys are such a ridiculous blessing. I have, and continue to learn so much from you three. I can't even tell you.


Happy Valentines Day.

Where I Stand

I just came from a random small group I don’t usually attend, but on a whim a friend invited me along. 

They were out of habit tonight and rather than study the bible like normal, they just had a sharing time. 

For a lot of months, my Spiritual walk has largely been a me and God affair. I have loved it. When it is just me and God, there is nothing to compare to but Himself. There is such joy at that intimate discussion, disclosure and growth that occurs. I still had opportunity to share, but it was mostly small, one on one discussion with a sister, my mom, or a friend.

But God desires us to share and grow as a body. So as I sat tonight and listened to my sisters in Christ share their struggles, share what they were learning I had to fight a sort of shock. 

There was so much to know! There was so much to struggle through! So much that I am so ignorant of! It was so overwhelming to me coming off my past few months. 

I sat there and started to get, not encouraged, as was the intention of the time, but discouraged, bogged down by all the things that were being tossed around to think about. Moreover, a strange sort of urgency, and stress came on, that I needed to stop life, to hurry up, to force myself into learning all these different things. 

That was wrong. 

Yes, I need to be challenged by sharing with others, and seeing their growth. Challenged, not to match it, but to continue to pursue my own growth. I don’t need to hear these stories and compare to all I know or have not known and find a value for my self-worth on whatever side I can check the most off on. I need to remember that all the different stories, came from all different people. It was not one person unloading all their knowledge, because God teaches us all differently. He teaches us all on different timing. There is no standardized test with God that He has for every year of life. We do not have a grade point average that warrants better scholarships or more elite schools. 

So many times this past year God has reminded me to live where I am. To not think about how temporary my stay in a place may be, but to think about the opportunities afforded me in that moment. This is one of those situations. 

As I sat there tonight I was tempted to take notes on all the things that I had not learned, and go home, chuck the things God has been laying on my heart out the window, and work on those so I can “keep up” with these other people. 

LIES! FALSE! NO!

God has me where I am for a reason. He is teaching me what He is teaching me, for a reason. Following that logic, I was at this bible study/share time for a reason. 

Not to say that I know all the reasons, but I believe that the topic of this post is one of them. 

I have been in such an intense, one on one growth time with the Lord, that to go back to a more community-like environment was almost culture shock, but in just four short months I will be fully immersed in a community like environment. 

I would have never have thought to consider this on my own, but God being what He is (AWESOME), and being as faithful as He is to teach me what I need, when I need it, did think about it. 

I have been nervous about some various things in my future, but tonight, in this one event, God has reminded me of His faithfulness. It is not on me to prepare, to plan, to research my life, because I don’t know it. My job is pursue Christ. He has time and again proven He is faithful to teach, to encourage, to challenge, and to grow where I need, when I need it.

Yes, I am ignorant, self-focused, squealing toddler of a Believer. I have learned so much in the past year, and one of the biggest lessons is how stinking little I know. I have not even gotten to the cusp of knowledge. If the Magellan Straight represents knowledge, experience, or maturity in Christ, then I am in Alaska on a tricycle. But that is where God has me, and He will take me as far and as fast as I need at that time. I just have to keep pursuing Him and trust Him to be, well, God.

It is Well With My Soul

Peace.

The feeling has escaped me for days. I have cried for it, yearned for it, fought for it, but peace is not something forced. It is not something that comes as a result of a formula. Peace is a gift.

Peace in my life is an indication that I am where God wants me to be. Unrest is always a sign that God wants to get my attention. To pray for something, to do something, to say something. I have been floundering with this since Saturday.

I have had no real explanation, other than, I am out of sorts. I have cried, had out loud arguments with God, talked with friends, spent time extensive time just sitting quietly before God asking for even the words to pray, and listened to more praise music than in the past month combined.

And tonight, I was given peace. I was dubious at what I thought He was asking, but it popped in my head and I forced myself forward in trust, inspired by the increased peace the closer I got to actually submitting the action. I am no closer to knowing what God is working on in my life, but I have a peace that surpasses all understanding, that means I have done what He asked for now, and I am ready to wait on Him.

When I look at the past few days, I want to call God crazy. I mean, it seems senseless. It seems pointless, and wearisome and confusing. But if I believe God is sovereign, then I believe He is working it for my good, and for His glory. So the really, the part I want to call crazy is the part where God worked things differently than I would have. So I am essentially wanting to call God crazy for not going with my plan.

God, is God. God is "I Am". I don't even have a concept of the idea behind the word "crazy" without Him giving me the ability to think. Why in all my days would I assume God was the crazy one in my life. He only gets the "crazy" label because I don't understand Him. But if I understood Him, then He wouldn't be God.

So I am officially and permanently taking over the "crazy" post in our relationship Jesus. You handle the sensible, and no matter what, or how odd Your ways seem, I'll remain the real crazy one. And when nothing else breaks through I will remember that, "after all, You are Holy."

"I Am A Freaking Beanstalk"

If you are a parent reading this - then what I am about to say is old news, but for those of us without offspring - did you know that babies have literal growth spurts? I had heard about growth spurts my whole life, but not until my niece came did I realize that it was actually a concentrated growth time. When she was here over Christmas we watched her grow half an inch in a day. It was incredible.

At approximately 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks and some other interval Callie had and will have periods where she cries and fusses and sleeps and eats more than normal and the end result of her pain is that she is bigger and stronger than she was before.

Our Christian faith is often compared to a child's growth, starting with being "born again" in the Spirit, to learning to walk as we grow more. I am in a growth spurt in my faith. I have known this since August. I left camp with the distinct feeling that God was set to teach me a lot. Oh boy has He, and He's showing no sign of stopping. 

Earlier I had a conversation with a friend that set an odd, sad, terror in my heart that at the same time it was growing, something stronger than me was countering with a list of mercies I saw in this situation that scares me so much. That is a confusing mess, to deal with. 

I went running. 

Running, people. I don't run.

I then called another friend who has been a fantastic person to call and dump my confusion on. She takes it and gives me encouragement and bible verses in return, not her own speculation or advice. 

This is so overwhelming and I am so painfully aware that no conversation with any person, no quick remedy like running or painting will help. The only thing that shines any light is the Holy Spirit inside me. 

And here is what the Holy Spirit is doing right now - the song on the radio was a second ago one that said simply, "I'm alive - Thank you" and now there is a song called "Carry Me". God has a ridiculously mercy filled sense of humor. 

"Carry Me" by Josh Wilson

I try to catch my breath

It hasn't happened yet

I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death

So I prayed God, would You make this stop

Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got

Carry me, carry me, carry me now

From my sinking sand to Your solid ground

The only way I'm ever gonna make it out

Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now

God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Jesus calm my heart

Come near me please

Lord don't let these worries get the best of me

Oh I believe, that You're still here with me

Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave

Carry me, carry me, carry me now

From my sinking sand to Your solid ground

The only way I'm ever gonna make it out

Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now

God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Carry me

God carry me

Carry me

God carry me

I'm at the end of myself

I know I've got nothing left

Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death

And I've been down here so long

I just can't find my way out

Oh God I don't stand a chance

Unless You carry me now

God carry me now

Carry me, carry me, carry me now

From my sinking sand to Your solid ground

The only way I'm ever gonna make it out

Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now

God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Carry me now

Carry me now

Carry me now

Carry me now

I can not tell you how apt this is to my life. This new shadow of mine called fear or anxiety is not welcome, but it is also ridiculously strong. In my growth spurt I have so often encountered feelings and emotion that I do not have the strength to understand or comprehend. This prayer is my life. Everything in my life is disappearing into a utter dependence on God - and that is the opposite of scary.

In all the painful mess that is my insides as of late I have found a strong freedom, because I know that there is not one thing that happens in my life that does not go through God. I know that there is not one source of pain that He is struggling to figure out. I know that there is no action that any person does that will destroy me, because I am not built on my own ability. I am not built on the ability or affirmation of others. I am built on the unshakeable power of an awesome, omnipotent, God. So no matter how much I fall apart I am held together by something so much bigger than me and He never fails.

There are no words sufficient enough for this knowledge or life.